


Careful Words, Truths Left Unsaid

by orphan_account



Category: Ensemble Stars! (Video Game)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Police, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Enemies to Lovers, Guns, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, M/M, Out of Character, Pining, feel free to ask me to add tags because i dont remember what original tags were
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-20
Updated: 2020-09-30
Packaged: 2021-03-08 00:35:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 7
Words: 24,244
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26566657
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: After going to prison for seven years, Natsume Sakasaki realizes he needs to get his life back on track... especially to repay the kindness of the witness who stood up for him during his trial and sentencing hearing, lessening his sentence than what it could have been. Released, Natsume is given a second chance when Nicholas Wu, a state prosecutor, convinces a police academy to take him in and lead him on a better path.Natsume goes to his first day on the job to be shocked at who his partner is. Tsumugi Aoba, the witness who stood up for Natsume on the stand in court, is his partner. Even worse, Tsumugi comes from a police dynasty whom all hate Natsume.(Re-post of a fanfic from my old account)
Relationships: Aoba Tsumugi/Sakasaki Natsume
Kudos: 7





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> For context, this fanfic used to be a wangixan fic in the MDZS fandom. I turned it into an original novella and self-published it after very heacy editing; in the end, reviews basically shot it dead in the water and I got harassed for how I wrote the original anyway. This story means a LOT to me, but it would hurt to republish it for it's original fandom, so I am re-posting as a NatsuMugi fic as I edit chapters. Please understand that context as I repost chapters and why it's OoC. My comment section is moderated but you're still free to leave them.

It's like a blur, a whirlwind when it all happened eight years ago. Natsume Sakasaki only remembers the basics of it since his mind was in other, darker places. He remembers needing money; his mother was sick and they couldn't afford her medicine. There were so many things that angered Natsume as a youth; the fucked healthcare system draining his mother's bank account dry, the poverty he lived in, Mr. Cho's literature class defending the misogyny in '1984', and quite a few other things. One day, he remembers he finally snapped. He was done pretending to be a 'good kid' when everyone already categorized him as a punk, a nuisance. To hell with being a straight-A student who looks like he's in a street gang; he was going to get the money one way or another.

Natsume had asked his two best friends to help with a robbery, only one agreed to come along. Jason Wu, who lived in the same neighborhood as he did, joined along because he was more itching to get in trouble more than anything. In hindsight, he regrets asking Caleb Huan because he knew his friend was too much of a goody-two-shoes to go through with it. He should have known his friend would report him and Jason. Not like it mattered since, also in hindsight, he was a dumb kid without a plan on how to get away with the money.

The day of the robbery was in winter, snowing outside, and the target was a small convenience store. Wearing hoodies with the drawstrings pulled a little tighter than normal to conceal their faces from the cameras, Natsume and Jason scouted out the store so there would be fewer witnesses. Natsume had a loaded pistol in his hoodie pouch that he stole from a neighbor. Wearing gloves and having made sure it was the right time to strike, both teens of only sixteen years of age charge into the store.

That's when Natsume's memory became partially foggy from the adrenaline for a few moments. The red-headed teen remembers pointing his gun at the clerk, demanding the contents of the cash register. The clerk initially refused so Natsume fired a warning shot near the clerk before demanding again. Jason almost got cold feet from the shot itself but proceeded to go around the counter and take the money out of the register when the clerk simply opened it and hid in the corner.

It was sudden but unforgettable. Someone tried to grab Natsume from behind but he turned too quickly and pistol-whipped them across the face, knocking them to the ground. Natsume points the gun at the attacker but freezes when he sees them. Short, mop-like black hair and bespectacled amber eyes, Natsume recognized his classmate. Tsumugi Aoba had been in the same classes as him since kindergarten but they never interact because of social classes. Both were at the top of their academics but Natsume was from an impoverished household while his classmate is the son of a police commissioner, born into financial comfort. Blood dripped from his nose and his eyes stared at Natsume with fear but Natsume can tell the bravery it must have taken him to try and stop Natsume. Staring down the barrel of the gun in Natsume's shaking hand, Tsumugi had the courage to say in a soft tone, “Don't do this, Natsume... this isn't you.”

Natsume shook so much more that he almost pulled the trigger. How was this not him? The world made him this way, put him in poverty and forced him to take these measures in order to pay for his mother's medications she needed to survive. He had no choice. It made him angry that his privileged classmate would be so bold to have said that to his face.

Narrowing his eyes and gritting his teeth, Natsume was snapped out of it when he heard sirens. Caleb must have told his sister what he heard and called the police. The clerk was still shivering and not daring go near the panic button that will put the store on lockdown. Jason panicked and asked, “What do we do now?!”

Natsume looked between them, Tsumugi and Jason. He had a choice and he took the one he felt was right. Staring down Tsumugi to make sure he made no sudden moves, Natsume yelled, “Let's get out of here!”

The two teens made it three blocks before cop cars blocked their path and forced them to surrender. Natsume remembers being slammed on the ground and being put in handcuffs before being forced into the car.

It then gets cloudy in memory again. Natsume's bail was set too high for his mother to get him out and the case blew up all over the media outlets. Sitting in juvenile detention for three months really sobered up Natsume and made him realize just how terrible of a mistake he made. When the court-appointed attorney consulted him, he was told the charges could be dropped in court since they couldn't get Natsume to confess. Natsume is no idiot though; he knows Jason will sell him out in a heartbeat if it means he will get a lighter sentence. Instead, Natsume opted to go to trial and hope for the best... despite figuring he was fucked either way.

Natsume knew for sure he was fucked when he saw who the store clerk's lawyer was. Carl Huan is one of the most ruthless and convincing lawyers in all of the state. He may be related to Caleb but he has no chance of getting out of this because of familiarity. No way in hell. Carl's gaze was cold when it landed on Natsume during jury selection and even colder the day of the trial starting. There was no way that he was getting out of this with a 'not guilty' decision.

The trial was long, in perspective. All the evidence pointed to Natsume being the mastermind and the lab revealed the gun powder on Natsume's hand was from the gun fired at the clerk. Jason took a plea deal of five years in exchange for a confession against Natsume. Carl had a hard time containing his grin while presenting the confession and camera footage as evidence but that wasn't all he had left. There was a witness to be called to the stand.

Natsume's attorney had declined earlier to have him take the stand because it wasn't wise for Natsume to be interrogated again. Natsume's mental state was one of despair. The maximum sentence was twenty-five years for second degree armed robbery and Natsume was convinced he would be spending that entire sentence. He wasn't sure why but he looked up when the second witness in the trial was called to the stand.

Tsumugi's eyes seemed dull and his expression read of anxiety. He was obviously nervous to be called up and put the last nails in the coffin for Natsume's case. After being sworn in, Tsumugi was asked many questions about the crime and all of them led to Tsumugi identifying it was Natsume that was there at the crime. There seemed to be no doubt about it and Natsume could sense that the jury was buying it, too. Closing his eyes, he had to try not to cry as his fate was becoming more clear.

“... Natsume isn't the man who would steal just to steal.”

The courtroom started murmuring after Tsumugi spoke at the stand after being questioned. The judge called order and said she'll allow it. Natsume opened his eyes and met Tsumugi's eyes. The other teen had a sympathetic gaze and continued, “I knew Natsume had money issues. There had been rumors at school that he was nothing but a petty criminal but that's not true. It means nothing at this point but I want the jury to know that I'm not confirming what he did as a witness because I think he's an awful person... I just want him to know that this isn't who he truly is.”

There was more murmuring and Tsumugi was taken off the stand. Natsume couldn't help but stare at him. How could a privileged pretty boy truly understand anything about him? Especially the son of a cop.

The trial ended when the jury came to a verdict. Guilty. That was the end of it.

However, the sentencing hearing was Natsume's saving grace. Only seven years for the crime he committed with no probation or possibility for parole, with one hundred hours of community service. Two years of those years in juvenile detention and five in the state penitentiary. The judge admitted at the end, “I think seven years is a slap on the wrist for you, you know. I'm being lenient after that other teen's testimony. You're lucky I'm feeling soft today.” The gavel sounds and Natsume settles into what his life is.

Seven years. What was he to do for seven years in prison?

…

_ Eight years later... _

“... and that is our graduating class! Congratulations to all of you for your hard work towards becoming our new future in policing. May your futures be bright!” The head instructor at the police academy delivers that address on Natsume's graduation. He smiles, happy to finally have a turn-around after spending seven years locked up.

How Natsume got here is a long story but it could be summarized: Getting his GED while in juvenile detention, Natsume had no idea what he was going to do when he got out. He would be twenty-three with no job experience and a criminal record so where is he supposed to work? He got lucky, that's how.

As it turns out, Jason's older brother is a state prosecutor with some political pull in the system. Now, Natsume has no idea how the man managed to get Natsume's felony pushed under the rug so he could be a police officer but he did. Being a police officer seems like the best way for Natsume to make up for his past; he brought shame to his mother and wants to prove he's a good person.

Of course, not everyone forgets who Natsume was. They never forget the teenager who held a clerk at gunpoint, leading to his classmates avoiding him and many of his old friends refusing to talk to him now. It is the price of his crime as well.

“Natsume.” Nicholas Wu's deep voice calls him over after the ceremony. The man has his hair pulled back into a professional ponytail, much like how Natsume wears his own hair. It contrasts with the crisp, dark blue uniform that Natsume is wearing while Nicholas is in a fitted, olive-colored suit with a dark gray tie. Natsume approaches, grateful to get away from his classmates.

“Congratulations. You graduated.” There's a rare smile on Nicholas's face as he pats Natsume on the shoulder. The man risked a lot in order to get Natsume through the academy and let him turn his life around so he must be proud that Natsume has kept his nose clean for this long.

“I did. What now? Am I still slated to work in Portland? I thought after what I did before that Commissioner Aoba would want nothing to do with me.” Natsume had argued with Nicholas about where he wanted to work as an officer. In Oregon, there are plenty of places to work as an officer since the state has a serious lack of employment but Natsume's past record still is a damper with any employer. Nicholas might have some pull but there's only so much he can do.

Nicholas sighs and crosses his arms, explaining, “Portland's police force is getting desperate, Natsume. Besides, Keichi is no saint of a commissioner. I could ruin his career and he knows it. I don't have leverage in any other district. If you really expected to work in a smaller precinct, you're shit out of luck.”   
  


With a sigh, Natsume resigns to that. He knows Keichi Aoba and Haruka Aoba hate him and will most likely make his life hell as long as he works under them but what can he do? Even if he wanted to work on the coastal precincts, the rural desert of eastern Oregon, or even in the Willamette Valley, he doesn't really have a choice because he would need to pass an interview. At least in Portland, he has someone to guarantee him a spot on the force.   
  


If he's honest, he's not ready to go back to Portland. He grew up in that city but he still isn't ready to face his past.   
  


Breaking him out of his thoughts is Nicholas saying, “Let's celebrate. Jason made you a cake at our home since you're moving in with us once you start working.”   
  


“Yeah.” Natsume is neutral, not really too heartbroken like he was before about leaving his current apartment. It's a nice place and he supposes living in his old neighborhood again will be fine as long as he doesn't have to face his mother. He follows Nicholas to his car and they leave. It's September and Natsume can already see that the days are getting shorter. The soonest he'll be able to work is early October. At least, Natsume will have a few months to get situated before the depression of the winter months comes back to haunt him.

…

In October, Natsume gets dressed for work. He won't get his official uniform and badge until he shows up at the precinct but his attire needs to be presentable so he can make a good impression on his co-workers. He really wants to get off to a good start even if he knows for a fact that his boss and his boss' older son hate his guts. Dressed in a slate gray dress shirt and what Natsume would call 'dad jeans', he thinks he looks classy minus the sneakers. _ It's good enough, _ he supposes.   
  


He takes the bus after eating cereal for breakfast. It's six in the goddamn morning and way too early for him to function. He nearly falls asleep on the bus but somehow manages to make it to his stop. The rest of his walk is peaceful despite the slow start to the morning commute of other workers.   
  


Portland, like many cities, is never truly calm. With gangs, almost daily shootings, homeless people meandering about, and just the sheer population, there is always crime. He is only reminded of that when he passes a block that is taped off with the classic yellow tape signaling an investigation is in place. Natsume can see police lights flashing and investigators wandering around for clues. He even recognizes one of the men on the scene but doesn't call out to him. He doesn't want to disturb Detective Kurt Cho, even if he's one of Natsume's favorite instructors from the academy.   
  


Minding his own business, Natsume makes it to work about ten minutes early. He was supposed to be at work a half-hour early for orientation but... oh well? Entering the building, Natsume checks in and the receptionist loses his smile when he finds out who Natsume is. Well, that's not good. The receptionist leads him through the bullpen to the locker rooms. He notices that a few officers stare at him, some of them being classmates and others being decorated veterans who know about his past from teaching him at the academy. With growing dread in his gut, Natsume is now very clear that he should keep his head down unless he wants trouble. So much for trying to make a good impression on his co-workers.   
  


“Sergeant Harney, Natsume has arrived.” The receptionist leaves him there in the locker room and Natsume absorbs the scene before him. There are three officers total, one being a tall black man with a bald head and the other two being a familiar man and woman. The tall man must be Sergeant Harney. With cropped black hair and an intense gaze, the other male officer is Connor Nuo... one of Natsume's old frenemies. They were friends since kindergarten but Natsume broke the 'bro code' by dating Connor's ex-girlfriend for a few months. He remembers arguing it was just taking his sloppy seconds but Connor never got over it and it ruined their friendship. The female officer is Jasmine Nuo, the older sister of Connor, so Natsume isn't too intimidated since she is more of a peacekeeper than anything.   
  


Sergeant Harney narrows his eyes and says, “You're late. Come on, I'll get you your shit and we'll get started on what you'll be doing today.”   
  


Natsume nods and Connor continues to glare at him. It happens in a blur; Natsume is given his true uniform, badge, a gun with a holster, and then shown his locker with the combination. There's a basic overview on how everything works. At the beginning of the shift, they will be briefed on the events of the graveyard shift if there have been any homicides or suspects on the run to look out for. That's just to be specific.   
  


They will be assigned a partner for the month, if any, and a patrol area for their shift. Sounds simple enough since they had training for what to expect at the academy. Natsume knows Portland like the back of his hand from all the shenanigans he got himself into as a youth. This should be simple enough; he's been trained for this.   
  


“Are we clear on how this will work?” The sergeant asks that.   
  


“Yes, sir,” They all answer.   
  


Sergeant Harney hums and then says, “Then meet your partners. I'm not going to pair up rookies with other rookies so you all will accompany someone with experience.”   
  


While Connor seems relieved, Jasmine frowns and Natsume blinks. Oh, well, that makes sense. In a way, Natsume is glad that he won't be paired up with Connor then since they have bad blood. At least, he won't get someone who hates him too much. He can sense that someone must have spread around about his past around the bullpen since his co-workers are giving him dirty looks. Surely, they'll learn he's not that bad?   
  


“Natsume, you're with Tsumugi.”   
  


_ Wait, what? _ Natsume's eyes widen and he stares at the sergeant. “Excuse me?”   
  


“You're with Officer Aoba, rookie. You should be honored. I believe he's in the break room getting coffee. You can't miss that golden-eyed fucker anywhere.” Natsume is left with a pat on the shoulder by the sergeant.   
  


It... it can't be the Tsumugi, right? The same one that he pointed a gun at all those years ago? When he really thinks about it, the more his heart sinks because it makes sense it would be him. Sure, he heard rumors that Tsumugi went to law school but did he really become a cop straight out of law school instead of becoming an attorney or a lawyer? He doesn't want to believe it but with the fact that Tsumugi is from a police dynasty like some shitty cop drama on TV, it's very feasible.   
  


Remembering in part where the break room is, Natsume treads lightly. How can his luck be this bad? He really is a fool for thinking he could escape his past in some way. In reality, he knew it wasn't going to be entirely possible but this is getting ridiculous. He stops in front of the door with a memory of Tsumugi's words running through his head.   
  


_ I just want him to know that this isn't who he truly is… _   
  


Balling a fist, Natsume tries to push away the memory and put on a fake persona of friendliness to mask his disbelief of the whole situation. He'll get through this. He has to.   
  


With a fake smile, Natsume enters the break room to find his new partner. Standing by a round little table that has a box of donuts from a famous shop that opened up quite a while ago, a taller-than-he-remembers Tsumugi is there. The man's amber eyes lock on him in the middle of taking a bite out of a chocolate-glazed pastry; there's obvious surprise at first before the man tries to return to a neutral expression. Natsume can't help but notice that the other man no longer looks like a privileged pretty boy; he is more broad-shouldered and filled out, at least more than before. His face does not show fear or pity like the last times they saw each other. If anything, it's like he's curious as to why Natsume is here.   
  


Grinning, Natsume tucks his hands behind his head smugly before announcing, “Funny how the sergeant made us partners. I assume we start our shift soon?”   
  


It's pure silence for a solid minute. At least, until Tsumugi's eyes wander over Natsume and he replies, “Yes.”   
  


“I bet you're surprised to see me. It's crazy but-”   
  


“You are a cop now because Mr. Wu blackmailed my father and the justice department to keep quiet about the racial and religious bias many of our white police officers hold towards the African-American, Latinx, and Muslim communities.”   
  


Natsume freezes and stares, dumbfounded. Well, now he knows the full truth despite how legally dubious it is. He never thought Nicholas had it in him to do that.  _ Just... wow, what a power move. _ Natsume feigns he had knowledge of this and says, “... Right.”   
  


There is more awkward silence as Tsumugi proceeds to finish his pastry and then moves to pour himself a cup of coffee before drowning it in substitute sugar packs. Natsume just watches until Tsumugi is halfway through his cup before asking, “Are we leaving after you're done with that?”   
  


“Mm-hm.” The noise of confirmation is enough for Natsume to take a seat and wait.   
  


While waiting, Natsume is surprised when Detective Kurt Cho enters the break room with tired eyes and disheveled clothes. He must work graveyard shift and he is about to clock out for the day. At least, he'll clock out after having coffee. Natsume watches as Kurt mindlessly pours himself half the pot of coffee into his thermos and sips it black. After a minute, the detective finally notices Natsume and says, “Oh, hello.”   
  


“Hey, Mr. Cho. How are you?” Natsume asks, genuinely.   
  


“Could be better. Twelve-hour shift and a double homicide; I'm ready to lay in bed and go the fuck to sleep.” Kurt Cho smiles before asking, “First day? I assume you're with the new rookies.”   
  


Natsume happily answers, “Yep. I didn't expect Tsumugi to be my partner but I'm ready to catch some bad guys.”   
  


“Big words for a felon himself.” The tone from the detective is teasing so Natsume isn't offended. “You be good. Nick risked his ass to get you on the force. Don't fuck up.”   
  


Natsume chuckles nervously. “I... I'll try not to.”   
  


After that, Kurt yawns and leaves. A moment passes before Tsumugi mutters, “Poor guy He has already clocked in six hours of overtime and it's not even Friday.”   
  


“That much? What possibly could happen to make him work that much?”   
  


Tsumugi stares at Natsume like he's stupid, informing, “Three separate murder cases this week. Four, if you count the double homicide last night. My brother is handling two of them but most cases go cold if there isn't a lead within forty-eight hours. The detectives are pressed to get something in such a short time frame.”   
  


“Oh, okay.” Natsume can believe that. “I hope he can find something when he wakes up.”   
  


“Mm-hm.” Tsumugi finishes his next cup of coffee, setting the cup on a counter. He picks up his badge to pin it to his front pocket before saying, “Let's go.”   
  


Natsume stands and eagerly follows. What better distraction than actual work?


	2. Chapter 2

Patrols are more boring than Natsume thought they would be. That's a good thing in the long run since that means there's less crime but there hasn't even been one call in their precinct for anything. Not even a shoplifter or catching anyone trespassing.  _ This sucks, _ he thinks. They have two more hours until they're on break for lunch so Natsume tries to make the best of it. He looks over his partner in curiosity. The police car is parked at a popular road for speeding, just in case they catch someone doing so, and Tsumugi is doing something that Natsume would consider a reason to fire someone; the man is on his cellphone, browsing social media.

Tsumugi seems unaware that Natsume is watching him. Now, Natsume is no snitch but isn't his partner supposed to be alert and aware of his surroundings while on the job? Who browses their phone while on the clock? Even if it annoys Natsume a little bit, he peers over to see what Tsumugi is looking at. On the phone screen, it appears Tsumugi is scrolling through someone's account feed that is dedicated to posting pictures of cats. Tsumugi seems to press the 'like' button on every photo he sees of the furry creatures.

“You like cats?” Natsume asks, knowing the answer already.

That seems to startle Tsumugi, who puts away his phone quickly. The man blinks and focuses on him before he answers, “Yes.”

Natsume leans closer and smirks, deciding to engage in conversation since that's more productive. “They are cute. Although, I can't imagine a man like yourself liking such things.”   
  


Narrowing his eyes, Tsumugi responds, “That's toxic masculinity.”   
  


Frowning, Natsume leans back and corrects himself. “You're right. It's a bit assumptive of me to presume you wouldn't like cats. How can anyone not like cats? They're cute. I'm not saying it's wrong for you to like them, Tsumugi.”   
  


That relaxes his partner and he hums in agreement. There are a few silent moments before Tsumugi says, “Today's shift is slow... it seemed like a good distraction.”   
  


“Well, it certainly is a distraction but aren't we supposed to be good cops and do our job?”   
  


“We are doing our job, Natsume.”   
  


Well, he has a point against Natsume there. They are technically doing their job but he suggests, “You should wait until break time to browse social media.”   
  


“Hmm.” Tsumugi simply makes that noise and leans back in the driver's seat.   
  


More time passes. At least a half-hour, Natsume sees from the time on his own phone. As he sits there, watching the Portland commuters drive by, his mind can't help but want to address the figurative elephant between them. Natsume literally pointed a gun at Tsumugi over seven years ago. How can this man appear so comfortable around him? Who in their right fucking mind put them as partners? It certainly wasn't Commissioner Aoba because no father would put their son as an ex-felon's partner.   
  


Another half-hour passes before Tsumugi finally says something. “Are you okay?”   
  


Natsume blinks and turns to see the concerned look on his partner's face. With that, Natsume can't take it anymore. He says what's on his mind.   
  


“You don't have to accept me as a partner, you know. You can ask for a new partner.”   
  


“...” Tsumugi is quiet, as usual, for awhile before he asks, “Why would I want another partner?   
  


That makes Natsume irritated and he bites back with, “I literally pointed a gun at you. I almost shot at you. How are you okay with this?” He tries to take a deep breath, turning so his eyes can't meet his partner's. “I... I'm just- I don't want to make you uncomfortable.”   
  


“... It doesn't matter,” says Tsumugi and Natsume looks him in the eyes. Tsumugi's expression is calm and sympathetic, continuing, “I've had time to come to terms with it. You would be surprised what therapy can do for a person.” The last part is dismissive.

Natsume doesn't want to pry too much but does ask, “Are you sure? Would you tell me if it did become a problem?”

“Yes.” There's no hesitation.

Natsume sighs and relaxes. “Thank you.”

There's still a soft smile on Tsumugi's face and Natsume feels completely relieved. It feels better to know that's out of the way. As Tsumugi turns to look out the window, Natsume smiles because he feels better. They'll be able to work with each other just fine.

“Hey,” calls out Tsumugi. “Want me to buy lunch at break time? I'm craving cheeseburgers.”   
  


Natsume gasps at the offer and says, “Mmhmm~ sounds good.”

…

Day in and day out, a week passes pretty easily. Simple domestic violence calls, attempted burglaries, and shoplifting are all the only things Natsume and Tsumugi have dealt with so they have a lot of time to socialize while on patrols. Tsumugi is a man of 'less is more' in terms of conversation, it seems, so Natsume is often the one that speaks the most and leads the conversation. The two are comfortable in each other's presence so it's easy to make small talk.

“What are your plans for Halloween?” Natsume asks, genuinely wanting to know. The holiday is only two weeks away and it's personally one of Natsume's favorite holidays because he admires all things macabre and spooky. If his mom would have let him, he would have been a goth kid outside his fascination with magic.

Tsumugi hums in thought then suddenly remembers, saying, “The Huan family is having Zac go trick or treating with Liam. You know, taking them out to get sugar high.”

That makes Natsume chuckle and he comments, “I miss trick or treating. I'm too old now but candy is one of the best parts about Halloween. What about you?”

“I'm a diabetic, Natsume.”

Natsume frowns. He forgot; Tsumugi did mention before he is a type 2 diabetic but Natsume forgot because Tsumugi is pretty discreet when checking his blood sugars during breaks and having quick snacks to keep them leveled out. Sure, going to the burger joint a week ago was a cheat meal but otherwise, Tsumugi rarely consumes anything sugary unless you count his morning coffee with the gross substitute sugar packs in it.... or the doughnut a week ago. Okay, Natsume does notice he goes off the wagon a bit on sugary things but it's not really his business unless his partner has a medical emergency, right? He doesn't run his partner's life, so there.

“Right...” He pauses before asking, “Hey, Tsumugi, are you religious? I can't say I am but I am curious.”

Tsumugi furrows his brow at him and asks, “What the actual fuck? What kind of question is that?”

Natsume pouts and crosses his arms, insisting, “I'm serious! I know a lot of people are some flavor of Christian or whatever but you can't simply assume. My mother is Wiccan... so, I was wondering was all.”

Relaxing, Tsumugi leans back in his seat and answers, “Father and Haruka are Catholic. I'm agnostic.”

Natsume smiles and starts to pry. “What lead you to that decision? Just curious.”

Tsumugi shrugs, blasé about the whole thing. “I just don't believe in God. Went to church all my childhood and decided that none of it makes sense. However, there are some things that you really can't explain that happen.”

“Like what?”

“...” Tsumugi seems reluctant but eventually admits, a bit embarrassed, “I believe in reincarnation and ghosts… and in fate.”

Wide-eyed and amazed, Natsume admits, “I do, too! At least, you and I agree on one thing.”

Tsumugi pouts and flushes. He responds, simply, “Whatever.”

Natsume chuckles softly and says, “Okay, okay, I'm sorry for asking. But... I mean it. I believe in reincarnation, as well. It doesn't seem like just this life would be it. I don't wanna believe that it's just... we live one life and that's it. That would be depressing.”

“... Mm-hm.” Tsumugi simply agrees and the conversation on that ends.

It's quiet for about fifteen minutes before it's Tsumugi that speaks. “Do you have friends?”

“What do you mean?” Natsume is confused about what his angle is, watching him with a side-eye.

“Do you have anyone you spend time with outside of work?” Tsumugi's voice is cautious and quiet.

Natsume snorts and replies matter-of-factually, “I have a few friends. Why wouldn't I?”

That's met with pure silence. It lasts a whole half a minute before Natsume is left to ask, “Y-You don't?

It must be a sore subject because Tsumugi puts his hands on the steering wheel and says, “Doesn't fucking matter.”

Natsume feels guilt, a lot of it. He doesn't have long to feel it because a call comes in. Both men listen and it's a request for more units to aide in a manhunt for a homicide suspect on the run. They're about a half-mile from the source of the call so Tsumugi puts on their lights and they respond to the call.

However, it is on Natsume's mind later, the subject of Tsumugi having friends. He thinks about what he has seen of his partner while at the station and on breaks... even the gossip he heard from other co-workers.

Tsumugi doesn't socialize with anyone else at the station other than Detective Haruka Aoba, if he's working during the day, or Natsume himself. From what Natsume has heard from other officers, Tsumugi often ignores others and keeps to himself. Natsume has seen it partly for himself since Tsumugi seems to avoid him if he's talking to Connor or any other co-worker. It's like he has no desire to socialize with anyone else but after what just happened, Natsume suspects that's not the case. But, does he have anyone he sees outside of work besides his family? Maybe another friend or lover?

Regardless, at the end of their shift, Natsume decides he wants to befriend Tsumugi besides just their work relationship. Why not? They get along at work; surely, they can get along outside of it, right?

…

“How has work been, Natsume?”

Natsume pauses between a bite of mashed potatoes to respond to Nicholas. “It's good. Not as exciting as the academy marketed it as but I suppose it's because I'm not in a very eventful district.” It's dinner time at the Wu household. The three-bedroom home is cramped in feel but homey to all who live there as long as you're willing to sacrifice privacy. The thin walls hold no secrets and leave anyone who lives there to be open to each other. There are family portraits and many memories on display around them at the dining room table. Jason, covered in tattoos now and bored in appearance, picks at his green beans and listens while his older brother is still in his work suit.

“Hm. It's not always going to be exciting... but some days will be worse. I've seen some... unsavory things on the job when I worked in SVU. I wouldn't be able to bring myself to work as a cop again.” Nicholas seems haunted in his eyes by the past. Natsume knows Nicholas was a cop earlier in his career, specifically working on solving sexual assault cases. He knows the man has seen the aftermath of heinous crimes, the suffering victims go through after being assaulted and abused, and that led him to become a prosecutor. It was never a step-down. It's the next step for Nicholas to feel like he is making a difference for people more than he could as a police officer.

“I know; I'm just saying that nothing too bad has happened yet. I'm prepared for the worst.” Natsume tries to be assuring that he can handle what he's been given. He knows Nicholas risked so much for him, knowing it's in the man's nature to be self-sacrificing. Then, he turns the conversation to his friend and asks, “Hey, how's work?”

Jason perks up and smiles, saying, “It's great. I have a client who wants a large tattoo of their cat that passed away so I'm about halfway done with the piece. It was fun to work on even if the client starts crying from the pain...”

Jason is a tattoo artist now. Art became his passion while in prison, having been introduced to tattoos by other inmates, and he immediately went to tattoo school out of prison. He graduated after a year and now works at a tattoo shop with a few other artists. Natsume smiles and jokes, “I'm still trying to decide what kind of tattoo I want. I've always wanted one.”

With a smirk, Jason jokes, “Lemme know when you're ready. Maybe I'll just put a dick on your ass.”

“Not my face? Wow, you're generous!” Natsume jokes back.

Nicholas rolls his eyes and says, “You two are still children, I swear.”

Both men laugh before they all return to eating for awhile. Nicholas offers to do dishes since it was Jason who cooked the meal, leaving Natsume with the job of drying them. Jason disappears off to his room to go draw up new tattoo designs while the other two handle the dishes.

It's quiet between the two. Nicholas has his sleeves rolled up and looks like a domestic businessman as he washes the dishes beside Natsume who dries and puts them away. They have a mutual respect for each other. It was Nicholas who taught Natsume about second chances, after all. Natsume can't help but be grateful for everyday that the man lets him live in his home and gives him the step up he needs to survive.

“Natsume.” His name is said abruptly to get his attention.

Turning, he asks, “What is it?”

“Your mother wants you to know she loves you... she only lives down the street. She wants you to visit.”

Natsume clenches his fists with guilt but he has his own comeback to that. “Isn't she happy by herself now? She's fucking Mr. Nuo now he's divorced from Connor and Jasmine's mother. Isn't she happy and cared for by her new husband?”

Nicholas gives him a stern look and responds, “You know damn well that isn't the issue. The drama you have with the Nuo family has no business with this.” Natsume is aware that his mother married Mr. Nuo after his messy divorce with his ex-wife. It happened while Natsume was in prison and he always assumed it was his mother's way of moving on from having a disappointment of a son but... it still hurt. Jared Nuo was kind to him and his mother but he knew it was because of himself they never got together until after he was in prison.

Nicholas continues, “Your mother misses you. You should visit her. I don't care if you're angry that Jared and his kids are now your stepfamily; if you don't reconcile with your mother, I'm going to make you. You hear me?”

“... Fine. But, can it wait until Christmas? I... I need time. I want to show her I'm not a fuck up anymore.” Natsume's voice is low his and gaze is distant.

Nicholas softens and says, “I'll let her know... What about Thanksgiving? Just so you know, Jason and I are spending Thanksgiving at the Aoba family's home this year. If you want to come along, please let me know in a couple weeks. I know you haven't had a proper one in years.”

Natsume winces at the idea of spending it with the Aoba family. Two out of three of the family hate him and his presence would be a nuisance, to say the least. However, he thinks about Tsumugi. The man is friendly to him and seems to tolerate his presence. Also, he has been wanting to get closer to him for some reason besides wanting the man to feel like he has friends. So, maybe going to Thanksgiving would be a good idea? He's not sure at all.

“I'll think about it.”

Nicholas hums and says, “Okay. The option is there.”

That relaxes Natsume, allowing him to focus on helping with the dishes until they're done. When done, he goes to his room and lays in bed. He's tired so he doesn't feel like reading a book before he goes to bed or browsing his phone. He does think about the conversation during washing dishes and his mood plummets again. 

He misses his mother but the past is painful. Closing his eyes, he tries to focus on something else.

For some reason, his mind conjures up an image of Tsumugi smiling at some dumb joke he told him earlier in the week. That's enough to take his mind off the bad to get some sleep.

…

In pursuit of a suspect, Natsume and Tsumugi split up to run down two different routes the teenager could have taken. Neither has their actual guns drawn but a stun gun is drawn by Natsume since the suspect is said to have a knife by the person who called 911. The kid is a known member of a local gang and he was caught tagging a building with spray paint. They have evidence on camera of the suspect tagging so they know they have their culprit but he ran as soon he saw the police officers at his door.

Natsume pants as he finds himself down a dead-end street and grits his teeth.  _ Damn, that must mean that Tsumugi took the right route.. unless? _ Natsume continues to the end of the street until he finds a chain-link fence that leads to an open field on the other side. Natsume grins when he sees Tsumugi running full speed after the suspect, causing the teenager to try and escape by running towards the fence that Natsume is at. It's too late for the teenager to try and turn around because pausing for a moment gives Tsumugi enough time to tackle the teen and pin him to the ground. Natsume climbs the fence so he can assist his partner.

“Lemme go, pig!” The teen yells.

“Be quiet,” Tsumugi says. “You're under arrest for vandalism and evading arrest...” Natsume helps him cuff the teen as he reads him his Miranda rights. Standard procedure; they take the kid back to the car and put him in the back before going back to book the kid. He can't be older than fifteen. It reminds Natsume of his own past and he sighs. At least, they have their break after this arrest and they can have lunch.

Once they've booked the teen, they check-in at the station to clock out for their break before walking together to the coffee and doughnut shop that many of the other officers go to. The place is a staple for them. Natsume likes going there because the coffee and pastries are cheap yet taste pretty good. Of course, he's usually there with Tsumugi so it's a common time that he and his partner get to socialize. The shop is busy but they manage to get to the counter pretty quickly to order their usual; Natsume orders three donuts and a medium iced decaf coffee topped with whipped cream and Tsumugi orders two sugar-free apple fritters with an espresso he will pour at least four packets of substitute sugar into. They get their order and sit down, relaxing.

“Damn, that kid was young. Tsumugi, what is wrong with today's youth? Deciding to join gangs and shit...” Natsume complains before he bites into a chocolate doughnut.

Putting the sugars into his coffee, Tsumugi furrows his brow at him. He says, “What do you expect? The world is... fucked, to say the least.”

That makes Natsume snort because it's funny when Tsumugi cusses. It's like the words are awkward on his tongue. It's almost cute. Natsume props his head on the table and answers, “That's true. I mean, considering the division of politics and the economy, it makes sense why there's so much petty crime. People also hate cops a lot more than they used to.”

“Mm-hm.” Tsumugi hums as he stuffs his face full of fritter. Natsume can't help but watch him. Tsumugi never checks his blood sugar in front of him and he never gets to do it when they have lunch at the coffee shop. So, Natsume does have a little bit of concern that something might happen to him in the second half of their shift but who knows? Natsume has never been around someone with diabetes before; so, what does he know?

He also observes him a bit closer, letting his eyes wander. Tsumugi is much more relaxed than when they first started working together that it surprises Natsume that he sees the man's little quirks. The awkward cursing, the drumming of his fingers on the steering wheel, the way he's stuffing his fritter into his face right now, it's all so damn cute.

Natsume then blinks with a sudden realization. Why the fuck is he thinking his co-worker is cute? Not in a platonic way, either. Internally screaming at that sudden thought, Natsume tries not to look at his partner.

_ We're co-workers, Natsume. That's all this fucking is. Don't let your stupid ass get a crush on him. _ Natsume thinks that as he sips his coffee through a straw.

They're quiet long enough that Tsumugi notices and asks, “Are you okay? You're awfully quieter than usual.”

“I'm fine! Just thinking,  _ sweet cheeks _ .” Natsume mentally kicks himself for saying that but notices Tsumugi gives him a wide-eyed look for a moment and blushes.

Seeing his partner visibly swallow before looking away, Natsume changes the subject. “Do you like tattoos?” What a stupid question to ask but there it is.

Tsumugi seems to relax and says, “They're okay. I've never really wanted one. Why?”

“My friend, Jason, is a tattoo artist. I've been considering getting a tattoo but I don't know what,” says Natsume, relieved to successfully divert the conversation. “Wanna help me decide? What do you think I should get?”

There's a silence between them while the murmuring of the voices of everyone else surrounds them. Tsumugi appears to be thinking about it for a long moment before he suggests, “What about a crow?”

“A crow? Why?” Natsume is genuinely dumbfounded by the suggestion.

“It suits you.” Tsumugi is sure in his words, leaning back in his chair with his arms crossed. “You're very clever and a problem-solver. Just like crows.”

Natsume snorts when he realizes it truly is a compliment. Compliments from Tsumugi are rare so he says, “Thank you, Tsumugi.”

That earns a smile back and Tsumugi returns to finishing his fritters. They sit there and finish their lunch before Tsumugi asks, “Would you want my phone number?”

“For what?”

Tsumugi frowns. “... So, we can talk outside of work. We are friends... right?”

Natsume gives him a soft look. He would love to talk to him outside of work. If the rumors are true that he doesn't have any friends, he truly does deserve to be able to talk to Natsume outside of work. Natsume replies, “Of course. It's...”

They exchange phone numbers. Not long later, they have to return to work. He wonders if his co-worker is any different through texts. Surely, this is just a simple friendship so maybe it won't be much different. Who knows?


	3. Chapter 3

At first, he was afraid to text Tsumugi because he wasn't sure if the man was really a 'texter', so to speak. It was, luckily for Natsume, Tsumugi who texted first. The first few texts went like this:

_ Tsumugi: Hi, it's Tsumugi. _

_ Natsume: New phone, who dis _

_ Tsumugi: lol, very funny _

After that, the two practically text each other all day on their days off. While laying in bed, Natsume types away on his phone because he's responding to Tsumugi about a meme he sent him. It's not just memes but Tsumugi is a very funny person through texts, almost the opposite of how he is at work. Instead of being his 'less is more' type of conversationalist, he's the type to spam three to four messages in a row that are all related to each other. It has taught Natsume to be patient to wait for his full messages but it also has taught him to expect random pictures of animals and memes to turn up in his texts as well. It's such an adventure talking to Tsumugi that he almost forgets his other responsibilities of adulting.

_ Tsumugi: Seriously, my father needs to stop watching the news all the time. _

_ Tsumugi: He just... yells at the TV? _

_ Tsumugi: It makes him seem like a Boomer when he yells about something the president or the Democrats did. Like, yeah, we're all mad but it's stupid to yell at the TV _

_ Natsume: Big news stations are banned in the Wu household. Nick put a child block on those channels so people can't watch them. _

_ Natsume: You know, a password on the channels he blocked that only he knows. _

_ Tsumugi: I would do that if I could lol _

_ Tsumugi: Even Haruka is getting sick of his ranting. _

_ Tsumugi: Ahhhhhh I just remembered _

_ Tsumugi: If you want to join me on Halloween to babysit the kiddos, you need to tell me tomorrow because I need to confirm it with the Huan family before I bring anyone with me. You up to it? _

Natsume furrows his brow, a bit wary about that. He asks the essential question on his mind.

_ Natsume: Are you sure the Huan family is going to be okay with me being around Zac? He’s still a kid and I am still considered a felon after all. _

_ Tsumugi: You're not a pedophile and the only one against you hanging out with us on Halloween is Carl. I assure you it's fine. _

Natsume smiles and relaxes, responding to that.

_ Natsume: Alright. I'll come with :3 _

_ Natsume: I hope you don't mind but Nick is inviting me to Thanksgiving as well. The Wu family is pretty close to your family, I presume. _

_ Tsumugi: Nicholas is respected by my father as a prosecutor and my brother's on and off boyfriend (father doesn't know that part though). He's welcome at our home and so is his brother despite what happened in the past. _

_ Tsumugi: Kurt will be coming to Thanksgiving as well so I don't see why you can't come over as well. The more, the merrier. _

_ Natsume: Okay. I hope I don't do anything embarrassing x.x _

_ Tsumugi: I doubt you will screw up. Sure... my brother and father don't really like you but they'll be respectful, I hope. _

_ Tsumugi: Fuck, I gotta do the laundry. Brb in about an hour or something _

With that, Natsume simply gives a quick response before he remembers his own chores. He needs to do some cleaning around the house before he can go and hang out at the tattoo shop Jason works at for a few hours. He finally decided he's going to get a tattoo and take Tsumugi's suggestion of getting a crow as the feature. He wants it to be a surprise when he shows it to Tsumugi at work the next day. Tomorrow is Halloween, after all. Natsume and Tsumugi have to work a shift before they get the night off to take the kids trick or treating but getting a tattoo on his day off still seems like a good idea to surprise the other man and maybe even the kids he's meeting for the first time.

  
  


After taking an hour to clean up the living room of littered dishes and vacuuming like Nicholas asked, Natsume grabs his wallet and a jacket on the way out of the house before taking the bus to the tattoo shop. Situated in Old Town, the tattoo shop has a theme of motorcycles and old automobiles. It reminds Natsume of a 50s diner if you don't see the variety of artwork on display by the artists working in the shop. Jason's co-workers consist of a burly man from a biker gang years ago, a small woman in her forties who quit her career as a fine artist to become a tattoo artist, and a young woman with a lot of piercings who found her calling with art. The three perk up when Natsume enters the shop, leading the older woman to come to the counter and greet him. “Good afternoon, sweetie. Here for Jason?”

“Yeah, I have an appointment with him. Is he on a smoke break?” Natsume asks.

The woman hums and checks a security camera. She confirms, “Seems to be he is out back. Kids these days and that vaping trend.”

“It's better than when he used to smoke cigarettes though,” reasons Natsume. He knew Jason smoked in high school and he's been trying to quit by switching to vaping and using that Chantix shit.

The woman nods and agrees, “I suppose so. Smoking, in general, is a disgusting habit, but oh well.” She stretches and motions him to follow. “I'll take you to his station since he's expecting you.” He follows her to the back of the shop where he can tell it's Jason's station. The artwork on the walls is filled with fish, lotus flowers, anime characters, geometric symbols, pretty portraits of women, and architectural pieces from various cultures. All of the art screams of Jason as a person and the art is enjoys.

Sitting down in an open chair, Natsume waits for his friend to come back from his smoke break while he watches the other tattoo artists work on other clients. About five minutes pass before Jason appears and he exclaims, “Oh good, you're here.”

“Of course I am. I wouldn't skip out on this.”

Jason snorts and says, “Sure.” He goes to his desk and pulls out a sketchbook. “I took what you requested and sketched up some possible designs for what you said you wanted. What made you want something with crows?”

Natsume is reluctant to admit it but tries to skirt around it. “... A co-worker suggested it.”

“Tsumugi suggested it?” The grin on Jason's face makes Natsume narrow his eyes in annoyance.

“... Yes.” Natsume resigns himself to admitting it, knowing that his friend is very perceptive.

“Oh man, what was his reasoning? Don't tell me you're already fucking your co-worker.” Jason sits across from him, eager for an answer.

“No!” Natsume crosses his arms. He clarifies, “It came up while we were on lunch break. It's just something friends talk about.”

With a dubious look, Jason says, “You definitely have a crush on him.”

Natsume flushes red and wants to argue but can't bring himself to. He starts to say something, stops, then pouts as he admits, “Yes...”

“I knew it! How long? Since high school?!” Jason is way too excited about this gossip.

“No, no, no!” Natsume waves him off, lowering his voice to say the next thing. “It's... complicated. Ever since we started working together, I've had time to get to know him and he's just... my type. Fuck, Jason, I've only liked girls before this. This feels so damn weird.”

“But he's hot and I figured you were bisexual since middle school.” Jason is smug but factual.

Natsume sighs and asks, “What do I do? I can't just ask him out. I don't know if he likes guys, too, and we're co-workers. There are rules in the code of conduct about dating your co-workers.” He pauses, clenching his fists before saying, “I like him a lot but we have a bad past. I pointed a gun at him. I've called him an asshole to his face in high school... how would he ever accept my feelings back after everything I've done?”

As if considering all of this, Jason hums in thought for a solid minute before he replies, “You won't know until you ask. Otherwise, you can just pine your ass off and stay friends. I know you text him every day since you're always smiling at your phone. I'm sure you can at least... ask, for fuck's sake.”

Sighing, Natsume responds, “You are right, I suppose. But, I'm just going to keep it to myself. A pretty boy like him isn't going to date a rat bastard like me.”

Jason snorts, teasing, “Rat bastard? I thought you were just a regular bastard.”

“I can be both, dumbass,” retorts Natsume.

Jason laughs before they look through the designs in the sketchbook. Natsume likes the one on the second page so they decide to put that on Natsume's back. The next four hours are spent with Natsume biting down on his sleeve while Jason inks the design onto him. Regardless, Natsume is excited to show Tsumugi tomorrow.

…

“Do you like it?” Natsume asks Tsumugi, showing the man his tattoo in the locker room. It's still sore but Natsume is happy with it. The design is of a crow perched next to an apple carved to look like a skull. It's on the small of his back so Natsume has his shirt pulled up in order to show his co-worker.

He can see Tsumugi's curious expression over his shoulder. The man answers, “It's so cool. Your friend is a good artist.”

“I know, right? Hurt like hell to get. I don't recommend getting a tattoo unless you have a high pain tolerance.” Natsume is only half-joking because it did really hurt to get the tattoo. He seriously doubts Tsumugi is the type to get a tattoo so the joke seems safe.

“... I'll keep that in mind if I ever get one.” Tsumugi has a soft expression, saying that.

Natsume continues to change into his uniform and asks, “Where are we taking the kids trick or treating after work?”

Tsumugi is finishing up getting dressed in his uniform. Damn, Natsume catches himself checking out his co-worker and has to force his eyes to meet his partner's before he gets caught staring. Tsumugi doesn't seem to notice as he smooths out his uniform. Tsumugi replies, “There's a big block party all the parents put together. Everyone is giving out candy and there's a costume contest for the kids. There's alcohol for the adults, too.”

Snorting, Natsume jokes, “Oh good, I can get wasted.”

That makes Tsumugi snort in amusement. They continue on to their shift and it's slow for the first hour. So, the two continue to talk about their Halloween plans. Sitting at a standard lookout spot, Tsumugi continues the conversation from before. “You know, Caleb said he was excited to see you again. He wanted to apologize for being distant since you got out.”

Humming, Natsume is neutral. “I don't blame him. I really fucked up. I was in prison for seven years for a serious crime. He had all the right to just ignore me.”

“He still feels bad. All I ask is you at least say 'hi' to him.” Tsumugi sounds casual but Natsume knows he's being serious. He supposes he can reconcile with his old friend. He might as well since he's not the same man as he was before.

“Yeah, yeah... I'll say hi at least.” Natsume then changes the topic, joking, “You plan on going off the wagon and eating chocolate all night tonight?”

“Are you asking me if I feel like putting myself in the hospital?” The tone is dry and deadpan. It's Tsumugi's type of humor.

“I mean, it would be worth it, right? Get sugar high and pass out. I wanna do that.” Natsume crosses his arms and gives his partner a grin.

Natsume can't help but enjoy the amused smile Tsumugi has as he responds, “Audacious of you...”

They don't have long to enjoy themselves because a call comes in and both immediately lose their smiles when they hear what type of call it is. Armed robbery in process, multiple hostages, calling all units, it's a serious call to say the least. The two are stunned for a moment. Natsume has the unpleasant memories come back and a chill goes down his spine. Something doesn't feel right; call it a hunch but Natsume has a feeling this is not going to turn out well.

Turning on the lights, Tsumugi says something before he turns on the sirens. He says, “Keep your cool, Natsume. We'll get through this.”

Natsume just has to make a sound of acknowledgment as Tsumugi speeds towards the location given of the armed robbery in process.


	4. Chapter 4

The place of the robbery-in-progress is a bank. Almost a dozen police cars surround the place, officers with guns drawn, waiting for the right time to close in without causing any harm to the hostages. Natsume licks his lips as he observes who all is here. The Nuo siblings, at least nine other officers, Detective Aoba, and Detective Cho are present. Not able to place why Kurt is there, Natsume leaves Tsumugi's side to go up to him and ask. The sounds of people in panic and the flashing lights make it hard for Natsume to keep it together. It's all a painful reminder of the past.

Closer to the barricade around the bank, Natsume gently calls out, “Detective Cho.”

Kurt Cho seems to be released from his attention, turning to the other man. Haruka is watching Natsume with narrowed eyes but does not approach to listen in. “What is it, Natsume?” Kurt Cho asks quickly. The man has a megaphone in his hand and his eyes are worried.

“What's going on? What is the situation?”

Visually gritting his teeth, it takes a moment for the detective to calm himself. There's a moment spent before Kurt informs him of the situation. “One gunman, at least twelve hostages. The gunman is having a mental health crisis and is threatening to kill himself or one of the hostages if we try to go in... stand down for now. I'm trying to talk him down since I know him personally.”

Natsume is confused what he means by that until he turns his gaze to the window of the bank. In the window, the gunman appears and Haruka orders everyone to take cover in case of gunfire. He gets a good look at the man and his stomach drops. Black hair and only a few inches shorter than himself, Natsume recognizes the teenager holding up the bank.

Alex Cho's mother is a friend of Natsume's mother, meaning he has met the teen in the past. Alex was only a child when they first met but Natsume recognizes him still. It wrenches Natsume's heart knowing the teen, barely seventeen, is making the same mistake he made.

The surroundings go dim around Natsume as he tries to think of what to do. He vaguely hears Kurt use the megaphone to coax Alex to put the gun down and have him come out with his hands up but nothing happens. The teen wordlessly refuses to come out of the bank. They're at a standstill for almost a half hour until Natsume feels a hand on his shoulder. He looks and Tsumugi is there. His partner leans in and mutters in his ear, “We need to get inside. We can't let those people stay in danger.”

Natsume blinks and asks back, “How? We can't disobey our superiors.”

Tsumugi says in the driest tone, “Fuck them. People are going to die if this keeps up.”

Sputtering, Natsume says, “W-What???”

Tsumugi observes the bank from a distance and responds, “Detective Cho is way over his head thinking his half-brother is going to come out peacefully. You know that, Natsume.”

He hates to admit it but Tsumugi is right. He knows Alex is bitter over his biological father abandoning him and his mother and his two half-brothers ignoring him all this time, meaning Kurt's coaxing means nothing to the teen. The teen is depressed and desperate from poverty like Natsume once was. If anyone right now can get to Alex, it would be Natsume or his own mother. Not sure what to do, Natsume asks, “What would you do?”

Narrowing his eyes in contemplation, it takes Tsumugi a minute to come up with a solution. “We charge in with two other officers and overwhelm him. The teen is deranged but he won't know who to shoot first if we charge.”

“Are you crazy? He might shoot a hostage-” There's a gunshot from inside the bank and then Natsume knows it's now or never. The other officers point their guns at the bank simply because there's no order from Haruka or Kurt to close in. As the two detectives are ordering to hold back, Tsumugi and Natsume share a look of defiance. They're closing in; they are not going to let anyone else get hurt.

Tsumugi and Natsume flank the doors of the bank, knowing Alex possibly has his gun pointed at one of them and ready to fire. No shots come yet the two officers are very aware of the two detectives screaming orders for them to stop where they are. Natsume catches a glimpse of the Nuo siblings also breaking orders and following behind to assist Natsume and Tsumugi. Natsume gets inside first and feels his throat go dry at the sight.

No one is hurt but there's a bullet hole in a table from Alex's shot. There are hostages ducking for cover and whimpering in fear. Alex is wide-eyed as he points his pistol at Natsume. Tsumugi is about to point his pistol and shoot Alex but Natsume stops him with a hand. The Nuo siblings stand down as well but keep close. The teenager is shaking and slowly backing away at the sight of them but won't put his gun down. His eyes are wide, fearful, and his body is tense. Alex is like a ticking bomb and they need to figure out how to defuse him before he explodes.

“... Alex, you remember me?” Natsume's voice is level and calm, trying to ease the tension.

Alex only lowers his pistol an inch before saying, “Of course I remember you, Natsume. Why are you here? I-It's really true; you became a cop?”

Only offering a soft smile, Natsume continues, “Yeah... I did. Took a helluva lot of work but I did. But, that's not the issue here.” He stands up taller. “I'm gonna have to ask you to put the gun down. This isn't the right way to get money, Alex-”

“You think you can lecture me?!” Alex raises his gun and rests his finger on the trigger, causing the other officers to tense. No shots are fired but it's close. “You don't understand, Natsume! Your dad didn't abandon you and leave your mom to fend for herself and a child! You having a dead dad is nothing to having a deadbeat dad!!! I need this money... Mom wants to go home. It's the least I could do for her to get away from that bastard she's currently with.”

Natsume grits his teeth, understanding more about the situation than he should. Martin Cho, Natsume's old literature teacher, is the father to at least three sons by different mothers. Kyle Cho, his old classmate whose a florist now; Kurt Cho, his detective co-worker; and Alex Cho. If it's not obvious, Martin has trouble paying child support on a teacher's salary and is never in Alex's life because he has no desire to be. It's not fair that Martin is a terrible father but that's no excuse for Alex to be doing this. The teen's mother is an immigrant, like Natsume's mother, and has bad taste in men; he can only imagine what Alex's motive is from that information alone.

“I know. I can't completely empathize with you but I have done exactly what you're doing now.” Natsume takes a step forward, making the teen take a step back. “You know I went to prison for what you're doing now. You can surrender now and we can get you and your mother help... You need counseling, Alex. You have for a long time. I'm not going to bullshit you like your father. You and I are friends, even if it's only through our mothers.”

Alex seems to consider it and lowers his weapon a bit. He's crying, as if he realizes the gravity of his mistake and Natsume makes the mistake of letting his guard down. Natsume starts to approach Alex in order to take the gun away and it happens in a split second. Alex Cho glares with a deranged look and raises the gun again to pull the trigger. Natsume feels like he's punched in the chest by a championship boxer but the blow is lessened by his bulletproof vest.

“Natsume!” Tsumugi leaps in front of Natsume to defend him from the remaining bullets. Three bullets hit Tsumugi; one in the shoulder, one in his bulletproof vest, and one in his thigh. He soon falls to the ground, knocking over Natsume with him to the ground.

Before Alex can reload, Jasmine uses her sharpshooter skills and shoots the hand Alex is using to hold the gun. He's forced to drop it before he's incapacitated with a shot to the shin. After that, both Nuo siblings tackle Alex Cho so he cannot move on the ground. Connor uses his radio to call in that two officers are down, shot.

It's a blur as the rest of the units all charge in, ambulances are called, and there's so much shouting. Natsume is too distracted by Tsumugi on top of him, worried if the man is okay. “T-Tsumugi? Hey!” He forces Tsumugi to sit up so he can examine the injuries. Tsumugi is shaking as he holds his hands over the wound in his thigh and ignores the wound in his shoulder. Natsume's eyes widen and he tries to comfort, “Y-You're gonna be okay! Just, don't pass out-”

“Are you okay?” Tsumugi's voice is frail but full of concern.

Shocked, Natsume can't reply for a long moment before he insists, “I'm fine but you're not!” He presses a hand on Tsumugi's shoulder wound to help lessen the bleeding. “Just stay awake. Please.”

Still shaking with what Natsume assumes is fear, Tsumugi nods and gives his usual 'mh-hm' of agreement. Natsume can't help but blame himself, knowing he let his guard down and broke protocol. As the sirens of ambulances arrive, Natsume holds Tsumugi close and cries at his own incompetence.

…

The hospital is always crowded despite its size. Natsume feels numb and his mind is blank as he is examined and determined he can go home. He needs to speak with Commissioner Aoba. He knows protocol; he will be punished for disobeying orders and put on leave until the department decides whether he will be fired or not for insubordination. He remembers what room they said Commissioner Aoba was in, waiting for him, and goes to speak with his boss.

In the chapel room, a glorified meeting room with a bible in Natsume's opinion, Commissioner Aoba is accompanied by Haruka. The two men are in deep conversation, speaking Mandarin, with worry in their expressions (Natsume knows Tsumugi’s mother is from Beijing. Mandarin is spoken more in their home than Japanese, ironically enough despite having Japanese names. It’s honestly impressive Tsumugi is fluent in three languages). Natsume doesn't blame them after seeing Tsumugi get admitted to the hospital for being worried. Natsume is reluctant at first but he interrupts, “Um, I'm here, sir.”

Haruka is the first to turn and give him a grimace upon seeing him. The detective seems like he wants to give Natsume an earful but Keichi grabs his eldest son by the shoulder and says, “It's not worth it, Haruka.” Haruka stands down and lets his father take lead.

“Officer Sakasaki, we need to talk.” Keichi is blunt, arms crossed defensively. “Take a seat.”

All three of them take a seat around the table. The silence is suffocating because Natsume can feel the malice the Aoba family feels towards him. They certainly blame him for Tsumugi getting hurt; it's obvious. Eventually, Keichi speaks, “What you and Tsumugi did was absolutely stupid. The shooter could have killed hostages because you decided to barge in like that. There was no call for a breach on the building.”

Natsume wants to argue but keeps quiet. He knows what they did was reckless, even if it was Tsumugi who first suggested it. But, they both barged into the bank at the same time and broke protocol, leaving the Nuo siblings to act quickly in order to have damage control. Instead, he replies, “I'm sorry...”

“ 'Sorry' won't reverse the injuries my son sustained but I will admit what you did was brave. However, bravery does not surpass stupidity in my department.” Expecting to be fired, Natsume is in shock as Keichi says, “You will have two months of paid leave. I will expect you to be at work on January 1st.”

Stuttering, Natsume watches as Keichi and Haruka stand to leave him there. He stands as well and tries to stop them and ask, “W-Wait! I'm not fired?”

Keichi looks over his shoulder and says, “If I fired you, I would have to fire my son as well. It was his idea in the first place to storm the bank, right? He put the idiotic notion in your head before you two did it.” He strokes his beard before finishing with, “Have a good leave. If I see you at the department before next year, I'm going to fire you. Are we clear?”

“... Crystal clear, sir.”

“Great. Go visit Tsumugi. He wants to see you when he gets out of surgery, I presume.” Nothing in the commissioner's tone is joyful or even neutral, just pure irritation. Soon, both Aoba men are out of Natsume's sight and he's in pure disbelief. Did he just get off with this with just a slap on the wrist? Seriously, paid leave is certainly not a punishment.

Now, he realizes what he needs to do; he needs to see how Tsumugi's doing. He hates to admit it but his heart aches to know if his partner is going to be alright. Tsumugi took more than one bullet for him so the least he can do is make sure he's going to be alright.

…

If things had gone better, Natsume and Tsumugi would be taking kids trick or treating right now. Right now, Natsume is debating whether he should go inside the hospital room and talk to his partner. Tsumugi is bandaged and sleeping in a hospital bed with some machines hooked up to him to monitor his heart rate. Perhaps, it will be better if he just lets him sleep. He can see Tsumugi has his phone within his reach when he wakes so he can just text Natsume later, right?

Running a hand through his hair, Natsume figures that's not enough. He needs to talk to his partner face to face but it's not kind to wake him from his rest. Not sure what to do, he stands there watches his partner sleep in the doorway. The nurse said he could stay until nine so he has time to just... watch his partner and feel his own heart race.

The moment is broken when Natsume hears a familiar voice. “Natsume?”

Natsume turns to find Caleb, his old friend from high school with two children in Halloween costumes. The children share Caleb's look of concern despite their merry costumes of a chicken and a wizard. Natsume relaxes and greets, “Hi, what are you doing here?”

Caleb gives him a soft smile and explains, “Zac and Liam wanted to see Tsumugi. They were worried and couldn't have any fun knowing Tsumugi is hurt.”

That's actually really cute. Natsume chuckles and says, “Well, he's sleeping right now-”

The two children go past Natsume to go and wake Tsumugi. Natsume and Caleb flinch as Liam in the chicken costume loudly says, “Tsumugi! Tsumugi, don't be dead!”

The two men watch as Tsumugi groggily wakes up and blinks at the children. He winces sitting up but Tsumugi asks, “Zac? Liam? Why are you here?”

“We were worried! Caleb brought us here.” Zac in the wizard costume explains. “I'm so glad you're okay now.”

Tsumugi smiles and pats both kids on the head. “You don't need to worry about me but I appreciate the thought. You should be having fun and getting candy.”

Liam comment, dryly, “This is better than candy. Mr. Tsumugi is better company.”

That makes all the adults present warm inside to hear. That's when Caleb motions Natsume inside the room and Natsume feels obligated to reveal himself. Entering the room, Tsumugi's attention immediately lands on Natsume, blurting out, “Natsume.” Natsume smiles softly and lets Caleb and the kids visit for awhile. However, Natsume is very aware that Tsumugi keeps glancing at him and that makes Natsume have to resist a blush.

_ Dammit, keep it together, _ Natsume thinks.

The kids soon grow tired of visiting, giving both Tsumugi and Natsume a hug before leaving with Caleb to go home. The two men are alone in the hospital room and Natsume feels the anxiety from before. He still blames himself for Tsumugi getting hurt and wishes he didn't let his guard down before. His throat feels dry, not sure what to say to the man.

Tsumugi meets his eyes and motions to the chair beside his bed, suggesting, “Sit down?”

Natsume swallows and sits down. There's a moment of silence before Natsume says, “I'm sorry.”

“Why are you apologizing?”

Natsume clenches his fists. “I should have taken all four of the shots. I didn't want you to get hurt. I'm the one who made the mistake-”

“Shut up, Natsume.” Natsume stares at Tsumugi in the eyes. The man has an annoyed gaze as he continues, “I did this because I couldn't live with myself if you were killed. Please, just... stop.” Tsumugi's gaze softens as he speaks and turns from Natsume.

“... Why?” Natsume is getting angrier from guilt. “Why am I so important? If I were any other partner, I doubt you would make the effort to take the bullets. With our past, how could you care what happens to me-”

“I... love you, Natsume.” It makes Natsume stops in his tracks to hear those words. What? Natsume observes the entire situation. Tsumugi has a blush so deep and the damn heart rate monitor is a little higher than it was before. The man's eyes are vulnerable, like this is a confession.

As much as Natsume wants to come to conclusions, he tries to be rational and asks, “As a friend?”

Tsumugi clenches a fist in his blanket and admits, “That would be to say the least.”

“... Romantically?”

“... I have for a long time. I'm sorry I had to confess like this.” Tsumugi suddenly has watery eyes as he's holding back frustrated tears. “I wanted to wait, Natsume, because I knew you would still hold the past as if it's the present. I can't hold it in anymore. I'm sorry. I almost fucking died today...”

There is silence as Natsume considers it all. Half of him is relieved and happy to know Tsumugi is returning his feelings but the other half is scared because of the past. Natsume isn't sure what drives him to do this but he holds Tsumugi's hand. Tsumugi is surprised and watches him carefully. Natsume licks his lip and admits, “You're not wrong... I am still stuck in the past. But, I want to move forward. Thank you for saving me. Is that okay?”

Tsumugi just stares with pitiful eyes. He asks, “Does that mean you accept my feelings? I know we've only been partners at work for a month but I would like to date you despite all that's happened.”

Natsume figures it could be crazier how it all plays out, squeezing his partner's hand and saying, “Sure. I'll date you. I'm out of work until January so I have time.”

“Funny. Father has me on paid leave until January as well.”

Chuckling, Natsume comments, “That's a good coincidence!”


	5. Chapter 5

Having a boyfriend for the first time is a chaste experience compared to the girlfriends Natsume had in high school. Before, all the girls Natsume had been with had experience; they had boyfriends before, they knew what they wanted from Natsume, and they knew how to make him feel special but only for a short time. It made Natsume jaded about relationships after dating two girls who wanted him for nothing but sex or dates. Tsumugi is already surprisingly different.

The man resumes their relationship as if they were still friends but the only differences are the flirting and open affection that both of them must have been holding back. There was never a time with his exes that he was pining for another text or wanting to see them again only after just leaving them to go home. It's been a week and he hasn't kissed Tsumugi, only having held hands and exchanged romantic banter. Yeah, Natsume definitely hasn't had an experience like this with any of his exes and he's absorbing every moment he can, genuinely curious about Tsumugi's motive in the relationship.

On November eighth, Tsumugi is released from the hospital with crutches since he still has difficulty walking on the leg that was shot. His shoulder is still bandaged and it might take well over a month for a full recovery, even with physical therapy. However, Natsume's mind is on the fact they've been together a week and he still can't place Tsumugi's angle on why he would want to really date him. Look, Natsume knows he's being insecure but if there's anything he's good at, it's hiding it.

That's why Natsume is doing his best right now to make Tsumugi feel natural about their first official date. It's to celebrate Tsumugi getting out of the hospital; they are at a different coffee shop than where they normally visit while on the job. This one focuses on specialty coffee and simple pastries rather than the doughnut one by the station. Honestly, this place is pompous in Natsume's opinion just from the other customers in the shop giving them dubious gazes and the silvery white painted decoration theme. The barista is a young woman with a tired gaze and Natsume is overwhelmed by the menu upon sight.  _ Who the fuck orders this many types of coffee? _

“Can I help you?” The barista asks.

“Um, yeah...” Natsume looks at Tsumugi to order since he knows this place better than he does.

Tsumugi leans against the counter and greets, “Hi Cindy, we would like an iced latte and an espresso. Both small. Use substitute sugar with my espresso and decaf for my... boyfriend here. Oh, we would both like a poppy seed muffin.”

Natsume doesn't know why but he's a bit flustered by being called Tsumugi's boyfriend. Cindy, the barista, blinks as she looks between them and then says, “Alright. That'll be thirteen dollars and fifty cents.”

_ Thirteen dollars and fifty cents? Who the fuck charges that much for coffee and muffins? _ That's what Natsume thinks. Regardless, Tsumugi pulls money out of his wallet and pays the woman. They wait about three minutes and the barista serves them their order so Natsume can take it to one of the tables. Sitting across from each other, both are quiet in order to savor their drinks at first. Natsume feels a little calmer than he did before. Perhaps he's overthinking Tsumugi's reasons for liking him. It's probably not very deep beyond what he already knows. Tsumugi values him as a co-worker and it grew into something else, nothing else beyond that.

“Natsume.” Tsumugi's soft tone captures his attention immediately. “Do you like animals?”

Ah, small talk. Natsume is grateful for it, answering, “I like most animals. Except dogs. I am not fond of dogs.”

“What's wrong with dogs?” It's not accusatory, just curious.

“When I was a kid, one of the assholes that lived in our neighborhood would have his dogs attack kids that came into his yard. I accidentally wandered into his yard to get a ball I kicked into it and I got mauled by the damn thing.” Natsume is a bit bitter about the whole situation, complaining, “Who teaches their dog to do that to kids?! I can't be around a dog without freaking out and it's not like I want to be afraid of dogs... I knew it was going to be difficult since some co-workers on the force have dogs.”

Tsumugi frowns and asks, “Do you have scars from it?”

“I do.” Natsume is a bit uncomfortable since he knows that sometimes people judge him for how he got the scars on his forearms.

“Hmm.” Tsumugi seems not phased, not commenting further as he sips his coffee. At least, not until he says, “I have two cats. Is that a problem?”

Surprised, Natsume leans across the table and cheerfully asks, “What are their names? I love cats.”

“Meaty and Pork Chop.” The answer is deadpan.

Natsume almost loses his shit laughing. That's certainly an interesting choice for names. He says, “Really? That's adorable. What do they look like?”

With that, Tsumugi gets out his phone and shows him a picture of two cats in a cat tree. The first one is a calico with short fur and the second is a large Maine coon with brown fur. Pointing out who is who, Tsumugi says, “They're like my children. I really hope you like them when you meet them.”

“I like them already. I hope they like me.”

That makes his boyfriend smile and he puts his phone away. Soon, their coffees are finished and they are now taking small bites into their muffins. Natsume takes a moment to gaze into his partner's eyes. Tsumugi gives him a fond look that he has never noticed; his eyes seem to sparkle as he smiles and his smile in itself is heart-warming. The man truly shows more of his feelings than he did before and Natsume can't help but want to give in to the feeling of being loved. He's almost not worried about his heart getting broken.

“So, tell me,” Natsume commands lightly. “Am I fun to date? Tell me the truth.”

There's a snort and Tsumugi honestly answers, “You were fun to be around before we became a couple. Why wouldn't you be fun now?”

Causing him to blush, Natsume covers his face for a moment before he gathers himself. He tries to brush it off. “You're just saying that.”

“I mean it. How can I make this date better?”

Natsume thinks about it and suggests, “Ask more questions?”

“Hmm.” Tsumugi seems to be thinking before he does just that. “Do you like dancing? What kind of music do you like? Loaded question but have you ever thought about marriage?”

Natsume almost chokes on his muffin with the last question but manages to remind himself that this isn't a serious conversation. It's what he asked for. Swallowing the rest of his muffin, Natsume decides to answer each one. “Dancing is sometimes fun. I like pop-rock music and alternative. About marriage...” He pauses as he truly considers it. “I... I never thought about it. Every person I've been with I've hoped to stay with them for the rest of my life but they never shared the same mindset.”

“Would it be too forward of me to hope you want to stay with me for the rest of my life?”

Sharing a long, thoughtful gaze between them, Natsume's heart races as he answers, “No, it's fine. Maybe you will be different than the others.”

Tsumugi flushes to his ears and turns his attention to his muffin to relieve the awkwardness. Natsume is grateful because his heart is racing at the idea of marrying this man and dammit, he needs to get his shit together and not think about that when they've barely been together a week. At some point, Tsumugi gets a phone call from his father and he talks in Mandarin most of the time with some Japanese thrown in there.

  
  


Natsume catches bits and pieces of the conversation's tone but not the actual content of it. It seems that Keichi is annoyed about something and wants his son to come home because Natsume recognizes the Japanese phrase for 'I'll come home' from when he used to speak some of the language himself with his mother.

After a few long minutes, Tsumugi hangs up and says, “I'm going to have to end our date here. Father... wants me to come home.” He seems strained to call where his father lives 'home'.

“Do you live with your father?”

“No.” Tsumugi is quick to answer. “I only call it home because it was where I was raised. I have my own apartment but Father doesn't want me late to family dinner. He always insists that Haruka and I come home for dinner and honestly, I hate it.”

Sensing the tension, Natsume frowns and leans in to whisper. “Why?”

Tsumugi leans in and whispers back. “Remember, Father is a conservative catholic. He always complains about the 'homosexuals' ruining the country. You know... politics in general.”

Natsume grimaces and responds, “Oh... right.” He remembers now. A few days ago, Tsumugi said his father doesn't know he's gay and it makes sense why he would figuratively stay in the closet. “What kind of date should we have next time? A restaurant? Ice skating at the mall? A movie?”

“Is it bad I was going to suggest binge-watching shows at my apartment in a couple days? Maybe Wednesday?”

Intrigued, Natsume agrees, “That sounds great. I would love to meet your cats.”

Both of them beam in anticipation now. They discuss it further and decide to make it a sleepover. Natsume is excited, wanting to know what it's like to cuddle up with his boyfriend and enjoy movies together.

…

“You ready?” Tsumugi asks. Natsume still thinks Tsumugi shouldn't be driving yet but trusts him enough to not wreck the car on the way to his apartment.

“Yeah. Let's go.” The two leave the Wu household after that. They ride to somewhere closer to the city center; Tsumugi lives in an apartment that seems too expensive for the police officer's salary. It's on the riverfront, very prime real estate. Natsume won't say this aloud but he suspects his boyfriend's father is paying part of his rent to be able to live so... ritzy. Pulling into a private parking garage for residents of the building, Natsume asks, “How do you pay for a place this fancy?”

“I have 35% higher pay than most of the officers on the force. The only people who get higher pay than me are anyone of detective or sergeant rank.” His answer is factual and casual.

“Wow, special family privilege,” jokes Natsume.

“You're not wrong. There are perks to being in a dynasty of law enforcement.” Tsumugi gives him a smug look to rub it in. Now, Natsume is sure he doesn't genuinely mean it; he's just trying to get on Natsume's nerves.

In the dim light of the parking garage, Natsume makes the effort to be a gentleman and goes around the car to help Tsumugi get out. The other man appreciates the help and smiles as he says his gentle 'thank you'. From then on, Natsume follows his partner to an elevator going up to the fifteenth floor. He makes a note that Tsumugi lives in apartment 15-12, watching the man wrestle his key into the door to open it.

Upon opening the door, Natsume is in awe of what's inside. The apartment is very spacious with chestnut carpets and cream walls. The shelves on the walls often have books and picture frames filled with family photos. There's a windowsill filled with mini cacti and succulents. The living room is round, surrounding the smart TV that is mounted on the wall next to a bookshelf filled with DVDs. There's an open kitchen and dining room that is to the far side of the apartment before a small hallway leads to the bedrooms and bathroom. As Natsume peaks down the hallway to see how many rooms there are in this place, Tsumugi says aloud something to his home assistant device to ask for the weather.

Natsume is startled when he hears the voice of the home assistant sound out, announcing, “It is 58 degrees, partly cloudy with a 15% chance of rain.”

Natsume raises an eyebrow and asks, “Isn't it creepy having that thing listen to everything you say?” He shares the sentiment that the Wu family holds that the voice-activated servant things are creepy.

Tsumugi leans on his crutch and retorts, “I altered the privacy settings on it so it won't be listening in on us.”

“Yeah... sure.” Natsume isn't convinced but he'll pretend the thing isn't even there. Instead, he focuses on the other things. “You have a lot of books.”

Tsumugi puts his keys on the counter in the kitchen from what Natsume hears and answers in a louder voice, “I do. It's mostly young adult fiction and fantasy novels though.”

Intrigued, Natsume browses the titles on the shelves. The standard titles of popular series are there but there are more obscure titles from authors he had never heard of. It isn't until he sees one book that he gasps aloud and asks, “You like Howl's Moving Castle?!”

Tsumugi returns to the living room and answers happily, “I do. I saw the Ghibli movie a few years ago and needed to read the book.”

“So, you like anime?”

“I'm a casual fan. Most anime has too much fan-service for my tastes,” says Tsumugi as he sits on the couch and sighs with relaxation.

Natsume hums in agreement. He likes some anime but he's picky as well. Just as he's about to join Tsumugi on the couch, one of the cats appears. The calico, Meaty, is twitching her tail curiously as she looks up at Natsume. Tsumugi notices her and starts to say in a baby voice, “Meaty, my little baby, did you miss me? Come up on the couch, sweetie.”

The cat seems to ignore her master and meows at Natsume. Natsume smiles and sits down on the couch so the cat can jump into his lap. Petting the cat, who purrs as she curls up in his lap, Natsume asks, “Where's the other kitty?”

“Pork Chop? He's napping in the kitchen window. He'll come out and visit you later,” Tsumugi answers before turning the TV on and accessing his video streaming account. “Anything in particular you want to watch? I'll make dinner after we watch a show or two.”

Natsume shakes his head. “It's your TV. You're the master of what we watch.”

With a small smile, Tsumugi says, “Okay, we're watching cooking shows then.”

“You're trying to make me hungry.” Natsume isn't complaining; he's making an educated guess with a snarky tone.

With mock innocence, Tsumugi tries to argue, “No, of course not. Why would I ever try to do that?”

“Yeah, sure you aren't.” Natsume chuckles and it makes Tsumugi break into a fit of giggles.

“What do you wanna eat?” The sudden question from Tsumugi surprises him.

Still petting the cat, Natsume thinks about it. He eventually answers, “Something Italian?”

“Meatballs and cream sauce?”

“Yeah, that sounds good. I'll help you cook it.”

…

They never get to watching TV but they did screw up making the meatballs. The meatballs were supposed to be the easiest part since they just go in the oven but Tsumugi forgot to set a timer while they were chopping vegetables to go into the simmering cream sauce. Of course, they got caught up in a conversation about whether plants feel pain or have feelings since Tsumugi owns many plants and they both forgot about the meatballs. The meatballs end up being five minutes overcooked and being very dry, so dry that the cream sauce does nothing to liven up the taste.

While both sulk over their mistake, Pork Chop finally wakes from his nap and rubs himself against Tsumugi's leg. They're eating at the dining table and Tsumugi comments to his cat, “I bet you knew we were gonna screw up. Didn't you, Snookums?”

Natsume stabs a meatball and jokes, “I'm sure Snookums knew with his cat brain that we're both idiots when it comes to cooking.”

Rolling his eyes, Tsumugi responds, “He's smarter than you think. But, I digress, it ultimately was our own fault for getting distracted.”

Soon, both chuckle and quietly eat for a while. It gives them time to admire each other under the dimmed lights of the dining room. Natsume feels like Tsumugi wants to say something but he's holding back. He can't explain it beyond just an instinct. The man always seems that way somehow; it's like he has a secret to reveal and Natsume can't put his finger on what it is. Pausing halfway through his meal, Natsume bites his lip in thought. Tsumugi might have mentioned he has had feelings for Natsume but for how long? When did the feelings start? He's curious, that's all, but he doesn't ask.

At the small table, Tsumugi reaches a hand to him and asks, “May I hold your hand?”

“Of course.” Natsume offers his hand and squeezes. Their eyes meet and the apartment seems like a dim afterthought. The way Tsumugi gazes at him is like a man who has fallen deeply, consumed by love. It's new for Natsume, who has never been given anything but flirty words and casual gazes. It's all so new. What if this ends after a while and Tsumugi grows bored of him? The pessimism comes with his guarded thoughts. He doesn't want to be hurt again because... Tsumugi feels different. He wants him to be different from the others. Natsume hates that he's a romantic at heart who wants to be loved wholly.

“Are you okay, Natsume?”

Natsume answers honestly, “I'm scared. I'm scared this won't last. Eventually, you will grow bored of me like the others. How can I trust that you will stay?”

Instead of pulling away, Tsumugi squeezes his hand tighter and says, “All I can do is show you I mean it. All I ask is you give me a chance to prove myself. Alright?”

Squeezing back, Natsume doesn't respond. He continues eating with his other hand while Tsumugi watches him with a fond but concerned look. Eventually, they finish eating and Natsume helps with the dishes.

While doing dishes, they're both aware of their arms brushing against each other and the tension between them. Natsume knows he licks his lips because the tension is almost sexual; he's used to this happening since that's how it usually happened with his old partners. Romantic dates would happen and lead to sex but he has a feeling that's not what Tsumugi wants. It's a slow burn, nothing like the past relationships. Oddly enough, Natsume is okay with that but still teases his partner with sultry gazes and less-then-chaste touches. Seeing Tsumugi's flush with his cheeks is so cute to Natsume.

Somehow, the two men end up on Tsumugi's balcony with soft piano music playing from his speakers. The night is peaceful, even with the hustle of the streets of Portland and the sounds of the people below them. The two men know their date is ending, even if Natsume is spending the night. Natsume goes out on a limb and asks, “Have you ever kissed anyone, Tsumugi?”

“... No, you would be my first.”

Their eyes meet and a softness is in both of their eyes at the revelation. Leaning in carefully, lips meet without deepening, the movement seeming natural. As quickly as it happened, it ends and the two are watching each other for a sign to continue. Both seem to understand each other and Tsumugi wraps an arm around Natsume to kiss him deeper. Eyes closed and holding back, Natsume can tell he's being honest that he's never kissed anyone. Tsumugi kisses like an amateur but it's endearing.

When they pull away, Natsume caresses Tsumugi's cheek and comments, “We're gonna have to practice kissing. I want to get you better at this.”

“We have all night, if you want.”

Tsumugi's sincere tone makes Natsume chuckle and kiss him again. Both are happy to kiss under the moonlight for what seems like hours. Maybe it was hours. Natsume isn't sure but knows he's never been this happy in his life before.


	6. Chapter 6

Natsume wakes up to the sunlight through Tsumugi's bedroom window, two cats sleeping at his feet, and the soft sound of singing coming from what he assumes is the kitchen. He almost forgot he spent the night at his boyfriend's apartment. Stretching with a slight yawn, Natsume wrinkles his nose at the clothes he had slept in from the day before. He slept in his boyfriend's bed but nothing happened other than sleeping. It's surprising for Natsume but he's internally grateful at the same time; he wasn't quite ready for anything in their relationship to escalate since he doesn't want this to be a repeat of the past. Regardless, he's curious about the smell of bacon now. It makes his stomach growl.

The cats wake up when Natsume gets out from under the blankets and makes his way to the kitchen. Meaty follows him close to his feet but Pork Chop decides to go back to sleep. Natsume smirks when he sees the kitchen. Tsumugi is singing some popular love song from a few years back while he cooks bacon and pancakes; there is flour, grease, and other litter related to cooking on the counters. The kitchen is what Natsume would call 'controlled chaos'. It's chaotic but seems under control with Tsumugi's watchful eye.

Natsume leans against the fridge that is cluttered with decorative magnets to ask, “How's the project?”

Tsumugi stops singing when he's aware of Natsume's presence and answers, “What? Oh, almost done.” He scoops a final pancake onto a plate. Natsume approaches to investigate and sees the counters further to find two plates with a pancake each and at least three strips of bacon per plate. Tsumugi stops him from grabbing a piece of bacon off one of the plates and scolds him. “Don't. Wait until we get to the dining room. My kitchen is already a mess; we don't need to eat in it, too.”

“If you say so.” Natsume backs off so Tsumugi can take the plates into the dining room. Natsume looks down at his feet and sees the cat there. Meaty meows at him and he responds, “You're not getting any of my bacon, you little beggar. I bet that's why you're following on my heels.”

“Meaty likes bacon but please don't give her any.” Tsumugi seems to confirm his suspicions.

Humming, Natsume goes to the dining room and takes a seat from across his boyfriend. His plate is in front of him and Tsumugi also sets up silverware. Neither of them take any time and start eating. Natsume makes sure to thank him for the meal after taking a bite into a pretty good pancake. The cat watches them, hoping to get scraps. Natsume takes the time to make observations and notices that Tsumugi has a bandage on his finger. He decides to ask about it. “What happened to your finger this morning?”

Tsumugi pauses between bites of bacon to reply, “Oh, it's nothing. I burnt my finger on the stove.”

There's no deception in his body language so Natsume believes him. However, he is concerned and asks, “Does it hurt a lot?”

Shaking his head, Tsumugi says, “No, I was just being dumb around the stove.”

“I see… idiot.” Natsume thinks on it and says, “Thanksgiving is soon. Will it be okay for me to come to the dinner knowing your father doesn't know you're gay?” The implication of what he’s really asking is there.

That seems to take his boyfriend by surprise but Tsumugi has a concerned gaze as if he realizes that Natsume’s concern is valid. Tsumugi averts his gaze to stare out the window of the door to the balcony and Natsume knows he hit a nerve. He tries to calm the situation by assuring, “I don't need to go. I can stay home-”

“No, Natsume.” The frustration in Tsumugi's voice is palpable. The way he clenches his fists and grimaces at Natsume suggests something is hidden and he's straining to keep it back. Even though Natsume wants to push and see what comes to the surface, he doesn't push. Instead, he listens as Tsumugi says, “I want you to come to the dinner. Please, don't let my father get in the way.”

“Then...” Natsume is at a loss for words for several long moments. He isn't sure exactly what to say to relieve the situation. He decides to stay quiet, becoming frustrated himself.

Tsumugi relaxes his fists and sighs. He admits, “I need to tell father about this. I can't be like Haruka anymore and hide who I am.”

“Are you sure-”

“I'm positive.” Tsumugi is determined as he gazes at Natsume. Natsume swallows because he's not sure if he's seen his boyfriend like this. “If Father rejects me, I'll face the consequences.”

Natsume's mind runs down a path of worry and asks, “What if he fires you or forces you to resign from the force? What if he docks your pay? What if-” He cuts himself off because he realizes there are ways the commissioner can retaliate against Natsume as well for this but he's honestly more worried for Tsumugi. The man doesn't deserve any of it while Natsume would deserve every single piece of it, in his mind.

“I can start over but I won't let him ruin your life.” Natsume feels his heart ache at the strained smile from Tsumugi. “I care about you too much to let him do anything to you. I will face this at dinner and I won't hide anymore. I'm tired of hiding. I'm tired of hiding from you.”

Not understanding what Tsumugi means by that last statement, he has no time to ask before Tsumugi gets up from the table and limps over to hug him. Natsume decides to drop the subject for now and return the hug but his mind is already in overdrive considering what that means. Perhaps it's been a lingering feeling he's had for a while now since the beginning; Tsumugi always had an aura of being standoffish, not really seeming to truly show his true feelings or hiding some secret Natsume can't place. Call it his inner detective but something is off and Natsume is determined to figure it out before Thanksgiving.

…

Natsume never figures it out before Thanksgiving. Partly, it's because Natsume is too nervous that Tsumugi will become suspicious if he asks too many questions or pushes to know more. It's infuriating and it's putting an internal strain on himself. Natsume is getting to the point that it's eating at his thoughts. The question lingers stronger than ever before; what is Tsumugi hiding from him? Maybe he is losing his mind because of insecurity but he can't ignore his gut instincts.

Closing his eyes and pausing from buttoning up his shirt, Natsume takes a deep breath. He's not going to let his mind run wild with worry and paranoia. He's going to get over it and enjoy dinner with the Wu and Aoba family. Even Detective Cho is going to be there so he needs to get himself together.

There's a knock on the bathroom door that startles Natsume and Jason calls to him through the door. “Hurry up! I need to get ready, too!”

“Calm down! I'm hurrying!” Natsume quickly gives himself a once over in the mirror and finishes buttoning up his dress shirt. It's sea green with little waves stitched on it. It was a gift from when he got full marks on his final exams in freshman year of high school. It's a wonder how it still fits and it kinda doesn’t match his own hair on him. His pants are black jeans with the ankles rolled up to reveal high-top sneakers. It's not highly refined clothing but it's the closest he has to dress clothes. It will have to work.

Leaving the bathroom, Natsume motions to his friend inside. “All yours, my prince.”

Rolling his eyes, Jason pushes past him without dropping his dress clothes in his arms. “Shut it, love bird. If you fuck your boyfriend tonight, I win my bet with Nick.”

Giving him a dubious look, Natsume asks, “Who the fuck bets on that? That's creepy as fuck.”

“I do because I could cut the sexual tension between you and Tsumugi like a knife and serve it on a silver platter.” Jason winks at him and closes the bathroom door in his face.

Natsume mutters to himself in an annoyed tone. “I'll just not fuck him then just so you lose to Nick then.”

However, Jason hears that and curses, “Dammit, Natsume! Don't cheat me out of fifty dollars!”

Shaking his head, Natsume heads downstairs to see what Nicholas is up to. He finds the other man in the downstairs bathroom, adjusting his navy blue tie that accompanies his ash-colored suit. Natsume hates that suit but knows Nicholas is fond of the damn thing because it belonged to his father.

Nicholas notices him and comments, “You look nice. Tsumugi will be impressed.”

“I guess. It must be frustrating, having to hide from Commissioner Aoba?” The sudden topic change makes Nicholas freeze before staring at him. Natsume licks his lip nervously before continuing, “Tsumugi said something about wanting to tell his father about our relationship. I'm nervous. I might be fired for that.”

Nicholas closes his eyes for a moment then assures, “You cannot be fired for your sexual orientation, Natsume. It's against the state's anti-discrimination laws. If he did fire you, I know at least four lawyers who would take your case.” He then gives a half-smile and says, “Why would he fire a very competent cop anyway? The worst he could do is move you and Tsumugi to different partners. He can't control your personal lives if you want to be together.”

That's when Natsume tenses with hesitation but manages to reveal his true thoughts. “What if Tsumugi is looking for an excuse to break up with me by telling his father about us?”

Seemingly shell-shocked, Nicholas is struggling to respond for almost half a minute before he says, “You're over-thinking things again, Natsume. Why would he want to break up with you?” With Natsume unable to come up with an answer, Nicholas continues, “Look at me. From what I heard from you a week ago, it was Tsumugi that confessed first. I assure you that he wouldn't have done so if he wasn't sure he wanted to be with you. That man is... very set on what he wants. He always has been.”

Natsume senses the same feeling from Nicholas that he senses from Tsumugi. Something is being hidden from him and he doesn't like it. Maybe he is jumping to conclusions but something definitely isn't right if Nicholas, one of the most honest men he knows, is hiding something. Sure, he knows the Aoba family more than himself but shouldn't that mean he can be honest with him about them? Sighing, Natsume deflects the situation and says, “I'll go wait in the car.”

“Fine.” Nicholas drops the subject as well, continuing to get ready for dinner.

As Natsume gets in the car, he checks his text messages to find a couple new ones from Tsumugi.

_ Tsumugi: Hey babe, I miss you. _

_ Tsumugi: I mean, I'm excited to see you at dinner. _

_ Tsumugi: Father knows something is up. I think so anyway. Just act natural and whatever happens will happen. _

Finding himself with a small smile, Natsume texts back.

_ Natsume: I'll see you soon, darling. I promise. It's up to you what happens. _

Natsume means it. He is going to leave this in his boyfriend's hands since he is the one who needs to take lead if something is wrong. At least, he wants Tsumugi to prove that he's worrying about nothing.

…

The Aoba family has a large house out in the hills, built to mimic the historic homes or it is one that has been renovated recently. The paint on the outside is a soft maroon with cream accents on the window panes and siding. There is a long, winding pathway across the manicured lawn to the front steps to the entrance. Hydrangeas guard the windows from on-lookers trying to sneak a peek into the home. For some reason, there's a mirror on the front door. Parked outside on the street, Natsume can feel this is the home of someone disciplined from the strict care of the grounds.

“Remember to take off your shoes when you go inside. Keichi is a stickler for keeping his carpets clean.” Nicholas seems concerned, like this isn't going to be a good experience. Natsume can sense the same energy; Keichi's home radiates strictness from the man occupying what would be an otherwise homey environment.

“Nick, want me to bring in the pumpkin pie?” It's Jason that asks this.

“Yeah.” Nicholas sighs, puts on a fake smile, and encourages them. “We're going to have a good time, right?”

Both of them nod and they get out of the car. It's dark outside but at least they make it up the pathway alright. There is a knocker above the mirror that Nicholas uses to signal to the Aoba family they have arrived. There is audible bickering inside before someone answers the door. The open door reveals Haruka in a dark orange sweater with leaf embroidery. The detective seems very domestic in his current state and obviously brightens when he sees Nicholas. Nicholas smiles and greets, “Good evening, Haruka.”

“Welcome.” The man observes them all and loses his smile to see Natsume. However, he remains civil. “Come in. The pie goes on the table in the dining room. We're all visiting in the living room. Ya know, huddled around the TV.”

That makes Nicholas snort. “Alright, babe.”

Natsume almost smirks at the coy look Haruka gives at being called that and follows him inside. The house is very spacious inside but has a feeling of tension. He realizes part of the reason when he comes into Keichi's view in the rounded living room. The man has a stern gaze at the newcomers, as if judging them. Natsume is now very aware of the decorations of rosaries and a corner filled with religious items. Natsume feels like he's in a church; no wonder he feels stressed just being here.

There's a staircase that Natsume watches while the Wu brothers socialize with Keichi and Haruka. Soon enough, Tsumugi appears and he feels his own heart warm. Wearing a chestnut brown sweater and his hair is styled more than usual, tied-back, Tsumugi has a kind smile as he meets eyes with Natsume. Natsume meets him at the bottom of the stairs, out of sight of the others in the home. The first thing they do is meet in a short kiss, merely a brush of lips.

“You look amazing.” Tsumugi is blunt and kind. His smile is like sunshine and it breaks up some of the tense energy of the home.

“So do you. Nice sweatshirt.”

Tsumugi snorts and replies, “It used to be my brother's. I merely inherited it when he got tired of wearing it.”

There's a moment of silence between them, their eyes meeting. Not sure who acted first, the two pull each other into a hug. Warm, safe, and comforting, this is what Natsume needed. No matter what, Tsumugi manages to make him feel alive. Alive and loved. With the clearing of a throat, they have to break apart and see Haruka with a concerned gaze. The elder brother simply warns, “Don't do that in front of Father, Tsumugi.”

That kills the mood and both men remember now. They need to be lowkey. At least, Natsume wants to stay lowkey and not ruffle feathers with Keichi. The last thing he needs is one of his bosses on his bad side. Tsumugi seems annoyed, with narrowed eyes at his brother, by needing to lay low about their relationship.

After that, they all have to go to the living room and socialize before dinner. It's all small talk; Nicholas talks about a few hard cases he worked on with Haruka, Jason talks about his clientele at the tattoo shop, and Keichi mentions something about the police department being underfunded and it's leading to layoffs in the higher offices. Natsume and Tsumugi listen closely about the layoffs because it means there will be job openings later down the road when the city council approves a new budget for the department. Honestly, Natsume is comfortable in his current position on the force but he knows Tsumugi has the opportunity to either get a promotion to work on gang enforcement or special victims unit. He knows Tsumugi has been studying to deal with sensitive departments like that.

Natsume hears Tsumugi ask if there will be positions available next year and Keichi replies that he honestly isn't sure until a budget is cleared.

When everyone seems to be hungry, Keichi guides them to the dining room with the full table of food. They start to wonder where Kurt is when they hear the doorbell ring. He's just on time in his own suit and tie. Apparently, there was such a lot of traffic coming from Gresham that Kurt was delayed. They briefly greet the newcomer before they sit at the table, say grace, and start eating.

Natsume watches his boyfriend, curious about his eating habits. He notices that Tsumugi often limits his food intake but not tonight. The man has a full plate like everyone else. While he overhears Haruka and Kurt complaining about a murder case, he asks something to Tsumugi quietly. “I'm curious. So, are you going to have a piece of pie? Jason didn't use substitute sugar in the pie.”

Giving him a side-eyed look, Tsumugi replies, “I really don't care on holidays, Natsume. Don't worry about me and let me be a fat ass for one day...”

“Oh.” Natsume feels a little bad for asking. Turning his attention briefly to Jason, he notices his friend has had more than two glasses of wine already. He sighs because that means Nicholas is going to have to haul his drunk brother home later.

Natsume starts to feel full after a leg of turkey, mashed potatoes, green beans, black olives, and a piece of pumpkin pie. He still has a dinner roll to finish and he feels bloated. Noticing, Tsumugi is only half-done with his plate as he asks, “You okay?”

“Full. Very full,” responds Natsume.

Tsumugi giggles and comments, “Cute.”

As Natsume is about to argue, he notices Keichi is watching them with a grimace. It's obvious he's suspicious about them but Natsume keeps quiet and just gives Tsumugi a pout.

Haruka and Nicholas volunteer to do dishes while Kurt and Jason get wasted on wine in the living room. Instead of going to socialize with the drunks, Tsumugi whispers in Natsume's ear to suggest something else. “We can go to my childhood bedroom. It'll be more private.”

Just as Natsume is about to agree, Keichi stops them with a hand on their shoulders. His look is serious, almost furious. Tsumugi turns from a joyful to a horrified gaze. Natsume knows it immediately; Keichi knows about them and he's not happy about it. Keichi speaks in a low, leveled voice. “We need to talk. Preferably in the backyard.”

With tension and apprehension, they slowly nod and follow the man to the backyard to talk. Natsume is terrified but still holds his boyfriend's hand for comfort.


	7. Chapter 7

The cold November air bites any exposed skin it touches, including the commissioner and the couple. Natsume can see his own shaky breaths as he watches Tsumugi's demeanor. His boyfriend is anxious, obviously fearing what his father has to say. The fenced backyard is fairly large; the manicured lawn is frostbitten and the garden beds are bare but it's not possible for any curious neighbors to see them. They might not even be heard unless a shouting match takes place. Keichi glares at both of them when he stops them in the middle of the yard, out of earshot of anyone inside the home.

“Father, it's not what you think-”

“Don't try to lie, Tsumugi. You're not a good liar anyway.” Keichi's voice is like a slap to the face, quick and forceful. “I thought you were different now. What changed?” The commissioner's body language is defensive, his arms crossed.

Natsume is a bit puzzled by that wording but Tsumugi answers, “That place you sent me to didn't change me. I never got over him.” Licking his lips, Tsumugi is apprehensive in posture and nervously speaking. Natsume can see his partner quiver in his hands. “Being with him up close changed everything. Besides... my therapist said I need to be myself, especially after everything you put me through for loving him this long.”

That seems to enrage Keichi and his tone darkens with a fierce gaze, pointing at Natsume. “I told you not to bring sin into my house and look at what you're doing! I somehow knew that camp didn't do anything but I thought you would respect me enough to not date the one fucking man I told you to stay away from!” If the neighbors are listening, they certainly heard that last sentence.

“Stay away from?” Natsume can piece together some of this and will stay quiet as much as possible but what is going on? He asks that out of confusion.

“Father, please-” Tsumugi is begging but interrupted.

“I told you to stay away from riffraff like him and here you are! I told you if you're going to live in sin than to keep it outside my house and do not pursue Natsume! For fuck's sake!” Keichi is so angry he stomps his foot. Tsumugi is almost cowering with pursed lips. He's obviously trying to escape this but doesn't know how.

“What's so wrong with Tsumugi loving me?” Natsume steps forward, placing himself between his boyfriend and the commissioner. His job be damned, he will stand up for Tsumugi and get answers. “What does Tsumugi mean when he says you sent him somewhere?”

“Natsume, please don't intervene. We can just leave-”

“Shut up.” Keichi silences his son in an instant, causing the man to cower even more behind Natsume. Keichi directs his attention directly at Natsume and declares, “This is all your fault. If everything went how I wanted it to, you wouldn't be employed in my damn department and you would be in prison for another decade.” Natsume doesn't flinch when Keichi gets in his face, lowers his voice maliciously, and says, “Nick has been a pain in my ass getting you on my force and now you're encouraging my son to be a fucking faggot. If this damn blue state wasn't so strict, I would have you fired in an instant and away from Tsumugi.”

“Fire me if you want; I don't give a fuck.” Natsume narrows his eyes and challenges him. “If you loved your son, you wouldn't be so judgmental of who he is. Now, answer my question from before-”

“Enough!” Tsumugi gets the courage to get between the two men and force them away from each other. He's still shaking as he says, “This is getting nowhere. If you don't want us in your house, we'll leave. Is that okay?”

Natsume wants to argue but stops when he sees his partner clearer. There are tears threatening to spill from Tsumugi's eyes and his whole posture screams of fatigue from the strife. He backs away from Keichi. Now isn't the time to push for answers. If anything, Natsume realizes he wants to get Tsumugi away from his bastard father right now. Keichi is still furious but he calms enough to simply order, “Get out. I'm done with both of you.”

With that, Tsumugi takes Natsume's hand and guides him back inside. Natsume catches a glimpse of what appears to be Keichi getting a cigarette out of his pocket and going deeper into the yard to smoke it but Tsumugi is leading him too quickly to be sure. Back inside the house, Tsumugi only stops leading him when they find Nicholas and Haruka. The two men are still doing the dishes but Haruka stops washing when he notices the tears in his brother's eyes. Nicholas soon notices and frowns at the sight.

“What's wrong?” Haruka asks, concerned.

“I'm going home. I'm taking Natsume with me, Nick.” Tsumugi is so blunt despite his damp cheeks.

Haruka and Nicholas share an expression of realization and it's Nicholas who replies, “Alright.”

Natsume doesn't argue either, simply following Tsumugi to his car and getting in the passenger side. In fact, Natsume doesn't say anything when they're driving back to Tsumugi's apartment and Tsumugi starts sobbing. Something about being in the car with just the two of them is enough to allow Tsumugi to freely show how upset he is. The traffic is practically dead so it's not hard for Tsumugi to make it home. As soon as they're both out of the car, near the apartment complex, Tsumugi hugs Natsume and cries for as long as he likes. Natsume knows Tsumugi will explain more later. For now, he comforts his partner the best he can.

…

Tsumugi eventually calmed down and the two settled into his apartment on the balcony. There's a bottle of whiskey between the two on the small table between their chairs. After at least three shots, Natsume has to stop Tsumugi from drinking anymore because it becomes obvious from the man's flushed cheeks that he's a lightweight. “Natsume, lemme drink,” he demands.

“You've had enough. It's not going to help to just drink away your feelings.” Putting the alcohol out of the other man's reach, Natsume continues, “I know you're sad. But, you can't just make it worse by drinking and pity yourself.”

“Then what the fuck am I supposed to do?” Tsumugi is agitated, furrowing his eyebrows at Natsume. “Let him walk all over me? The bastard has always known I was gay and hated me for it! He sent me to a goddamn conversion 'therapy' camp, for fuck's sake!” Tsumugi's voice cracks at the end of the confession and he leans back in his chair while crossing his arms to hug himself. “He... he fucking doesn't love me. He wouldn't love Haruka either if he knew about him and Nick. I was the one who was stupid enough not to delete my search history when I was a teen so, of course, I'm the problem child.”

The tears are falling stronger and Natsume feels guilt because he has no idea what to say to him. Natsume never had to tell his own mother that he liked boys because she never asked and didn't seem to really care; it's completely different than having a conservative Catholic as a family member. The only thing he can imagine saying is that he loves Tsumugi but feels that's not what his boyfriend wants to hear.

Instead, he tries to see if Tsumugi is willing to vent. He asks, “What made your father send you to conversion therapy? That's a pretty awful thing for him to do.”

Sniffling, that seems to break a dam for Tsumugi because he unloads the true story for Natsume. The short of it is that Tsumugi developed a crush on another boy and started exploring the internet for information on whether it was normal to like other boys. As a result, Keichi was horrified to see the search history and sent Tsumugi to a Catholic summer camp dedicated to getting teens to, in quote, 'abandon their sinful lifestyles early on'.

Tsumugi says that he remembers Haruka started distancing himself from his own brother after that because he didn't want Keichi to do the same to him. The experience with Tsumugi taught Haruka to be more stealthy about his sexuality and dedicate himself more to the church in order to thwart Keichi's suspicions. Tsumugi wipes his eyes and finishes the story with, “I hated every minute of it. It was literal torture that I don't care to go into detail. The only solace I had in middle school and high school was reading books and studying. As long as I was a good student, I felt like my father would love me... but then you ruined everything.”

Despite the forced smile and amused tone, Natsume can sense hurt in those words. It was him? He ruined everything? How? Crossing his own arms and meeting Tsumugi's eyes, he asks, “Just how long have you had feelings for me? I suspect that's what you mean by me ruining everything.”

Pensive, Tsumugi stares at the railing of the balcony and admits, “Freshman year. You changed everything.”

Feeling there's more to this, Natsume relaxes and listens to Tsumugi continue on.

…

Tsumugi remembers dreading going to school. The first day of his freshman year signaled a new beginning he was not excited for, especially having spent most of the summer at a camp that was purely for his own punishment. The boy he had developed attraction for became a symbol of pain and he desperately wants to move on so he can pretend like it never happened. He pretended that he had never been attracted to anyone and that maybe a girl would catch his interest, even if it wasn't realistic. He remembers just laying in bed, waiting for his father to ask him to get ready for the day.

When he couldn't lay in bed anymore, he fell into a rhythm everyday from then on out; get up, eat breakfast, go to school, come home, do homework, read his books before bed, and then sleep. The only irregularities to that schedule were going to church on Sunday and the school's book club on Tuesdays. It's like the color in Tsumugi's world was sapped away into a monotonous cycle he couldn't seem to escape.

He remembers when it changed; it was all Natsume's fault. In freshman literature, Tsumugi truly took notice of Natsume when he called out Mr. Cho on down-playing misogyny in “1984”. At first, Tsumugi had tuned it out as simple disobedience. Natsume had done this since they were in kindergarten; he would challenge a teacher and get punishment instead of being quiet like any other student. However, that day is different because Natsume cut Mr. Cho where it hurts the most.

“It's predictable the same man who fathers three different kids with three mothers is the one who will excuse a character who is a predator in the making.” Natsume stood up and said this on the last day of reading the entire book, bringing up Mr. Cho's infidelity issues right out in the open for everyone in the classroom to hear.

As Mr. Cho glared at Natsume with a slack jaw, the class stared at Natsume in shock that he would bring that up. Sure, it was an open secret that Mr. Cho had extra-marital affairs and both of his older sons went to the same high school but no one was supposed to bring it up. Tsumugi couldn't help but shake his head. Of course the 'hoodlum', as his father called Natsume, would be brazen and shameless enough to do so. Tsumugi simply thought to himself that Natsume should've sat down and been quiet or just have left the classroom.

It was the next exchange that caught Tsumugi's attention fully though. Mr. Cho slammed the book on his desk and demanded, “Excuse me? My personal life has nothing to do with the story. It's not like you even read the book correctly-”

“Having Winston sell out Julia in order to go free? The disgusting language throughout the book? How is that not misogynistic? Winston was just plain predatory like you.” Natsume already had his bag packed and prepared to walk out of class.  _ He was not going to go for the jugular, was he? _ That's what Tsumugi wondered, very intrigued on how far Natsume would take this.

“How am I predatory?!” Mr. Cho had a short temper regarding his personal life being brought up. Perhaps he was embarrassed by it and he should be.

“You stare at the asses of girls in the hallway like a dog eyeing a piece of meat, you pervert.” Natsume was so blunt and cutting at the same time. It made the room of teenagers gasp and whisper nervously.

Mr. Cho shook from anger but managed to keep his voice level again and commanded, “Get out. I'll be writing you up for your lip.”

“Fine, I don't give a fuck.” Natsume waved goodbye and left the classroom.

It took a couple of minutes for peace to be restored to the classroom so they could continue with being assigned an essay on the novel but Tsumugi's mind still lingered on the events previously. Natsume really called out what many of the students have wanted to say for months about Mr. Cho in a matter of minutes, when it felt needed. Perhaps Tsumugi would have eventually snapped as well like that but he wouldn't have done it so publicly. Eventually, the bell rang for lunch.

“Tsumugi, to my desk.” Mr. Cho called him over.

Tsumugi approached and asked, “What is it, sir?”

Handing an assignment sheet for the essay to Tsumugi, Mr. Cho asked, “Could you bring this to Natsume? I want to make sure he gets his essay in. I'm very eager to see his analysis on the novel after that public... incident. I know you two have the same lunch break.”

Blinking in surprise, Tsumugi could only nod and responded, “Sure.” Well, Mr. Cho didn't hate Natsume because he was surprisingly an excellent student on his homework and tests but it's obvious his free-minded nature was a bane to many teachers' sanity. But, he was a bane to Tsumugi's need to be the star student to impress his father so Tsumugi was not fond of the troublemaker.

Tsumugi found Natsume in the library, eating lunch with his friends. The rowdy group were borderline too noisy for a library and Natsume seemed to be the pack leader with a girl on his lap. Tsumugi caught their attention as he approached and immediately felt intimidated. Why did they have to give him such a hostile gaze? He was only the messenger.

The look Natsume gave him was one of distaste. Tsumugi knows why; his father had called Natsume a nuisance at a parent conference a couple years ago to the young man's mother of all people. Ever since then, Natsume had treated Tsumugi with distance and feigned civility. It was understandable since Tsumugi also shared the same opinion for a while in elementary and middle school until he simply stopped caring. Now, he just wished Natsume would stop beating all his test scores.

“What do you want, pretty boy?” Natsume's call out earned snickers from Jason and Connor beside him while Caleb gave a fake smile. The girl curled into Natsume with a chuckle, flirty towards her boyfriend. Natsume's tone was not friendly and it reminded Tsumugi of a bully. He knows Natsume was not the bullying type but he was the no-bullshit type (still is, even to this day). He wouldn't pretend to like people, usually.

Handing over the assignment, Tsumugi said, “Mr. Cho asked me to give that to you. We have an essay due in two weeks.”

Natsume snatched it out of his hand before glancing over it. The onlookers at the table burned holes into Tsumugi with their eyes, willing him to leave them alone. Natsume read it over and said, “Okay, sure. Thanks but can you get lost?”

With that, even the girl and Caleb glared at Tsumugi. He took the hint and turned, leaving the table of snickering teenagers so he could go find a good book to start reading while he ate his own lunch. However, he sat around the corner from the table so he could hear what they're saying. Call him creepy but the incident with Mr. Cho made Tsumugi curious about Natsume. He seemed to share some of his own values that he struggled to find anyone else share. Someone who was brave enough to challenge blatant misogyny in their literature class and stand their ground against a man like Mr. Cho was admirable.

Even when they talked behind his back, Tsumugi didn't mind because this feeling was familiar in a way that feels comfortable compared to what he was taught to feel. The feeling towards Natsume was almost like jealousy, making him want to overcome whatever the other young man did better than himself. He wanted to be better than Natsume or at least an equal.

Jason commented, “Fucking Tsumugi and his privilege. I bet he looks down on the rest of us just because his family has money.”

“My family has money. Does that mean you hate me?” Caleb asked, curious and concerned.

Natsume chuckled and assured, “You're fine, Caleb. You're allowed to be a spoiled rich kid with us street rats.”

Annoyed, Connor argued, “I'm middle class! I'm not a street rat!”

“Oh shit, yeah. You're suburb trash.” Natsume joked and the others laughed.

Tsumugi heard Natsume finish with, “Tsumugi will always be a privileged pretty boy, it's as simple as that.”

The girl commented, “Why do you call him a pretty boy? He's not even that attractive.”

Natsume responded, “I think some girl will be stupid enough to like him for his money. I can't deny it; he has a nice face though.”

As insulting as it was, Tsumugi must be a glutton for punishment because his cheeks flushed at it being said. He decided to leave the group to their gossip for the day, not yet realizing what rabbit hole this was going to take him into.

It started with reading romance novels in secret about enemies-to-lovers then to straight up reading gay erotica on the school computers that Tsumugi realized he has a crush on Natsume. Natsume is smart, charismatic, but oddly dense at times. Tsumugi knew he was being weird by spying on Natsume in his free time, since the protagonist in one of his novels does the same; he knew who Natsume's girlfriend was, his friends' personal lives, and even Natsume's financial issues at home, he knew it all from spying at a distance. He rationalized it at first as spying on an enemy to figure out his weaknesses, maybe to even sabotage his studies so Tsumugi can be the student with the highest marks in their grade.

However, it turned into him realizing how much his heart pounded and how much time he spent thinking about Natsume's smile. It made him angry at first because the pain of the conversion camp came back and he felt ashamed of himself. He knew he was broken for liking men, at least from what his father had reiterated over and over, but he couldn't stop.

When Natsume got his heart broken over a girl over and over again, Tsumugi wanted to be the one that repaired it and secretly wondered if the other young man would accept it if he tried. However, he didn't ever dare try since Natsume always had his other friends by his side and they were always there to comfort him. Tsumugi always had to keep his distance, like a coward.

At one point, Tsumugi became so full of self-hatred because he was jealous of all the girls who got to share Natsume's heart and he didn't. He was jealous of everyone who got to be his friend. He was not even sure if he could explain it to himself why but he felt like he would never be nothing to Natsume in the end, meaning all this pining is for nothing

.

On that winter day in sophomore year, Tsumugi didn't think that a long walk to the convenience store to get a snack would lead to a turning point in his life. He recognized Natsume's voice immediately when he demanded the store clerk to open the register and jolted with adrenaline when the warning shot rang out through the store. Despite the shock, feeling confused as to why Natsume would do something like this, his bravery that had hidden itself all this time came out. He rushed over and tried to grab Natsume's arm but the other young man whacked the pistol across his face, forcing him to the ground.

Staring up the barrel of the pistol, Tsumugi met eyes with Natsume through the hoodie concealing his face from the cameras. What Tsumugi saw in his crush's eyes was fear and desperation. Natsume was shaking and on the edge, like a cornered animal.

Tsumugi was afraid but he knew this wasn't the real Natsume, not the one he watched from the shadows over a year. He finds himself saying,“Don't do this, Natsume... this isn't you.”

Natsume's eyes showed a glimpse of anger at being told that but he ultimately didn't shoot Tsumugi. Instead, Natsume and his accomplice bolted for the exit and disappeared into the streets. Tsumugi could only watch with sadness and lingering fear.

Perhaps from the emotional stress of it all, Tsumugi's mind glossed over being interviewed for being a witness on the stand and picking Natsume out from a line up. He even ignored his father and brother fretting over him while he isolated himself in his room. He only remembered testifying and saying to the jury, “...I just want him to know that this isn't who he truly is.” He knows that was the truth.

Now, he says Natsume ruined everything because of what happens next. After the trial and sentencing, Keichi encouraged him to go to therapy because he was tired of Tsumugi isolating himself. The reason why he says Natsume ruined everything is because he uprooted everything his father tried to instill in him. His therapist only further assured him that he isn't abnormal. Natsume's mistake created a domino effect for those around him, including leading Tsumugi to take control of who he is.

When law school didn't entirely work out, Tsumugi only returned to Portland in order to become a police officer. This time, he wasn't going to let his father control his life and even better, he gained the chance to reconcile with Natsume after all these years. Natsume ruined the path of misery he could have suffered.

…

“I did all that? You've liked me that long?” Natsume is completely surprised but now he understands what Tsumugi was hiding all this time. He hid what he wanted to resolve this entire time because he is afraid that Natsume will reject him. Even more, he realizes now just how much of an asshole he was to Tsumugi before they were co-workers.

With a soft smile, Tsumugi nods. Natsume runs a hand over his head and collects himself temporarily. He feels stupid for doubting Tsumugi's feelings. In fact, he has a whirl of emotions. All he can manage to say is, “I'm sorry for everything.” He feels tears come to his eyes. “For what happened to you and what I caused, I'm sorry.”

Natsume covers his face to hide the tears but soon, Tsumugi reaches to take and hold his hand. Tsumugi assures, “You don't need to be. Everything is different now. All I ask is one thing.”

Listening, Natsume looks him in the eyes. Tsumugi says, “Be honest with me and I'll be honest with you. I'm sorry for sugar-coating my past.”

Natsume understands and nods shortly after. He understands it all; his careful words no longer hide truths to be left unsaid. Tsumugi felt like he needed to try and abandon the past but it left a barrier between the two, fracturing Natsume's trust. They needed to address the past to move forward and be honest. Natsume needed to know Tsumugi's past just as Tsumugi needed to come to terms with what happened to him and his own feelings.

Now, the question is where to go from here. What will their future be like?

“What now?” Natsume asks, not specifying.

Tsumugi hums and guesses, “We keep going forward? I love you and that's all I know. I've always admired you. I want to prove to you we can be equals.”

“You're already an equal, if not better, man. Are you saying we should take larger steps?”

“Are you asking to move in with me? Marry me? You need to be specific.” Tsumugi gives him a dubious look, almost questioning.

Natsume lets go of his hand and clarifies, “I have no fucking clue what I'm talking about, okay? I mean, I wouldn't mind moving in. I might want to marry you one day but who knows? We just need to live right now.”

As if that's amusing, Tsumugi chuckles. “Alright. I have no idea either what I want. I just know I want a future with you.”

“Then, let's work towards that.” He's not sure where this comes from but he asks, “What are your plans for Christmas?”

Somehow, both men know with the change of topic that there's not much to worry about now as long as they communicate. They'll take it one day at a time. Day by day, until there's none left.


End file.
